Let the stress be gone!

So the events in my life the past few months has lead to a lot of lost sleep... aches and pains... but finally things have slowed down and i might at last be able to join the world again without having a melt down!

so the dissertation is done... nothing i can do now, but hope it is good enough... at the moment i am boarder line 2:2/2:1 so a good dissertation could be a good leg up, however like normal i dont have the faith within my writing ability  and looking back at what i wrote im not even sure what i was trying to say, but thats not really all that objective eh?!

I had an interview at the weekend... at it went well. I am now writing as a person who has a full time Youth Pastors post all ready for her come September! I am so honoured that i am able to stay where i am at the moment.. and even better without the uni work... Things are looking great... now its the home search... but that should be fun... its my first home, so anything bigger than the small room i have now is amazing!

So what have i been thinking about lately... as usual reflection normally engages with media in some form... and lately even more i have been thinking of how much music makes me feel so elated. and how these feelings are the same as when i sing in a church service... i am blessed enough to get to go to youth service which have amazing people who are play guitars and drums well, meaning i can just sing my wee heart out for God...

I went to see the Wombats last back holiday Monday... and loved it, singing along as usual and enjoying (the very sweaty) atmosphere...

it has made me wonder are the feelings the same and are both man made... one from God and one from me.. or both from God?

and i haven't quite come to a conclusion. I know that my faith is not based upon my emotion... or i would be doomed- i am able to hold fast to God no matter what i feel (even if at times its a thread).

Part of worship is to give back something to God who has provided so well for me (at all times)... singing my wee heart out FOR Him. so my motive for a good old sing shouldn't be to find a high when seeking to worship God. and yet i do... its a by-product.

If i go to a gig and ask God to be with me there, cant i meet him in my dancing and singing long there?

I don't see why not...

I guess i just need to be a little careful i don't just  seek the emotion to identify God...

x

LISTENING TO- The DJ's got a Gun by Robots in disguise

Avoidance for just a few moments...

So while i am deep in dissertation land... which i am loving and hating at the same time, i cant really spend time blogging... but i thought while i look for facts on animals for work tomorrow... when i will be Mrs Noah for the day... :) i would write up what i have been thinking about of late...

While there are a million and one things i have been thinking on... this is just one...

How amazing silence is...

Over the last few weeks i have been changing my location for study daily, this way i cant get distracted by being bored... this is the way my mind works so bear with that one!

And i found myself at the mall in bristol... after an hour and a half study it was lunch time so moved my study to Pizza hut... cheapish food and means i can still shut out most things!

Sat by myself i am able to continue to read, but i as i was eating and reading books they i did not own i stopped and took up a favourite hobby... people watching... the couple next to me faced each other, they were an older couple, i could work out if they were married... but it was clear that they were comfortable with each other... they silence told me.

It wasnt the kind of silence you have then you know someone should be saying something, there were just happy to share the space with each other... nothing amazing happened, no amazing acts of love declaration nor anything leading to a fight, just simple smiles...

Its funny, i only have this with very few people, the closest of my friends are able to sit with me for times when we dont need to say anything... normally i can be scanning my mind for some funny or witty line to say ...

i am learning more and more the value of silence, and look at just how much time i want to fill with noise, some would say it was distraction, but i just think its company...

I have been in two services lately where it has been a time for silence... and it has happened... either the person leading then tramps all over it with praying aloud... or the music kicks back in so fast you havent even had a change to smile towards God let alone hear anything...

My life is crazy at the moment... but i know that silence is something i need to grab a hold of again, that i need to take that time out and just simply be... to just simply listen...

Any yet that date for that to happen gets pushed back... further and further...

Makes we wonder what we choose to avoid and what we really need to do to stop pushing it back...

Maybe we need a new years resolution every month?

X

LISTENING TO- The ting tings- Local DJ

Why...

... is it that when its dark the light hurts?
... is there comfort in the darkness?
... do we have the expression... 'dig yourself out'?

Shut down mode....
again

x

I have learnt something new about me... again

So its been a heavy week... Oxford, meetings lectures and writing... all the craziness that is my life at the moment...

But its how i have acted and reacted that i have learnt something new about myself... 

I know i tend to paint my world as i see it and then expect it all to be the same.... and i have realised i do this with my friendships... But thats not to say i expect the person to stay the same, or that i want out friendship to remain static. But that how i have that friendship maybe changes and i just wasnt not aware that it was... and so i react and i dont like it.

Being the kind of person i am have i a few people in my life that i lean on and ask of them to help me keep my sanity... its that relation that has made me realise that i dont know how to change with the flow of life when the role is shifted... How to i learn to help the people of my life i lean on?

I dont think any of my relationships are one sided... but i need to learn how to help when my 'help' resources need it? How do i stop getting annoyed at the changes, and just be there? How do i stop the level of expectancy?

How do i make a balance happen?

Where do i find out how to help... when i cant help?!

I need to learn to look out more...

So here is my public apology... to one of of the closest friends of my life, i am sorry i can be a crapo friend... i will try harder lol and i love you!

x

LISTENING TO- Highness by Envy and other sins

I found this on another blog...

At the moment i am reflecting a lot about personhood/humanity/idenity and art... how do we express who we are... and what does God want to show us in these expressions?

It would seem to have something to do with worship...

Art is a reflection of humanity... and it is within that humanity that we find our relationship with God...

It can be as simple or as complex and that...

x

LISTENING TO- Duke Special, Quiet Revolutionaries