rant over...

i just want to say a little sorry for the last blog post...

i hope you can simpathise with my wondering... but i want to point out how much i really do value my friends... without my friends im not sure who i would be typing at my laptop this evening... my friends give me life in their laughter and tears with me... breathe hope when i feel its my last breath... bless me in the tiny detail...

People wonder where God is... creation... wonder... the bible... and the people placed around me... some stay for a while and others are gone in a flash... but each equally bless me with new reverlations of who i am... who they are... how awesome God is... and just how we are knited together under his ever present love....

i love my itunes program cos i can roll over all the album covers representing the music i listen to... in my mind i have a whole panal of pictures of the people who have been and still are in my life, all of them with smiles.... all of them bringing colour into my life....

This blog is now a thank you... thank you for being you... thank you for being you with me.... thank you for being you, the way you are wonderfully made.

love to each of you personally... who knows where our next journey will take us eh?

x

LISTENING TO- the killers- glamorous indie rock and roll

so now i have something to say...

i have had this blog page open for about an hour... not really knowing what to say as my new post...

First congrats to my college tutor on the early birth of his daughter! while i can not comprehend being responsible for another life myself, its exciting to see others do it!

over the past hour i have realised how i get annoyed at things i dont want to get annoyed at and then get annoyed at being annoyed... simple?!

for example.... i get annoyed about being single... which i dont really mind normally, being single is something that its better suiting to my life right now... but then because i dont really mind i get annoyed at the fact it seems to be a problem... then i get annoyed at people around me who remind me in some way i am single.... so i get annoyed for being annoyed at my friends for something they didnt mean to be annoying. so then i take it out on them (but they dont know) so then i get annoyed at reacting in such a silly way...

see the problem?!

How can i stop getting into this cycle?! it is annoying! i dont want to get annoyed by anything my friends do... maybe its something i need to be more open about... "when you say 'xyz' it makes me feel 'abc'"... it seems a shame that i need to ear mark areas i need my friends to think carefully about how they bring the subjects to me in conversations.... after all my friends are my friends i dont want them to think i dont want to upset her so i will keep something from her... but then shouldnt friends realise these are issues for me and help?!

agh.... this isnt as simple as i want it to be....

God help me please!!!

X

LISTENING TO- muse- knights of C

i only have one thing to say...

I

HATE

BEING

ILL....

x

Last night i grew up a little more....

Oh how i love music even more...

Those of you who know me in the real life.... i love my music, those of you who dont should have realised my love of MUSE is deep and how much i love to strut to camp music of MIKA at the moment is at a high... but last night... at last.... i fell in love with a much awaited new artist in my life... DUKE SPECIAL...

Oh how amazing was last night.... the gig was on a boat... which is an anamzing venue already... very small so a great chance to be up close with some very very VERY beautiful music... i have to thank em for her continueal non shutting up of just how good the duke is... for with out her i would never have found the awsomness of his voice and the shear wonder of his talent... (who just happens to be amazingly good looking too, oh and irish and so have a great accent too)

Last night i went having only heard a few songs an even fewer amount of times.... yet the whole gig had a welcoming atmosphere which ingulfed me into smiles and happiness...

i get laughed at how i managed to 'theologically' engage with almost anything i do... but all three of us left the bost in awe of just how God can move each of us without knowing the words... at one point all i could was pray and thank God for the closest i was encountering... that boat... those songs... the singer... them durms.... was a thin place.

So at the moment i am now looking for all the things i can get on line for my love to grow even longer....

x

LISTENING TO- duke special- last night i nearly died.

what does sorry mean?...

I have been thinking lately about how much i value someone saying sorry to me, and just how much i pin hope on getting a sorry without asking.

I have wondered what happens in thie process, what do i gain in hearing a five letter word?

I realised last night that when you say sorry you give whatever you took from the other person back... This isnt a physical stealing thing but a value base steal... it might be respect or authority.

But i have come to realise that when you say sorry, or when you hear it, you give or have given to you, part of your own worth. If a sorry is truely meant then the value placed on the person hearing is the value you took... their worth.

So when we need to hear the word sorry its the act of giving back that worth to the person. We need to hear sorry to know that the damage done can start to be fixed because YOU ARE WORTH BEING FIXED!

The pain of never hearing that word is all too close to home at times for me... how do we seek and get that worth when it isnt going to come from that tiny word sorry?

The answer is simple but hard to work out... God. If He gives us our true value, our true worth then we should seek our worth in Him... the answer becomes clearer when you look at what seeking for that sorry has done to people over time... you become bitter... if you never get that sorry, never getting that self worth then you become the very thing you didnt want to be.

We/I need to make sure this process doesnt happen, not just for my own sake but for the people who do show me my worth in other ways. If God loves me, and i know he does, then i need to be able to find the strenght and faith to let those sorrys i didnt get go. Or i will continue to become infected with bitterness...

My church is looking at love, this Sunday we re-learnt the value of love and how without it everything we do it is nothing... worthless... if i am to let go of the sorrys i didnt get then i need to act in love and not out of selfish need or desire... the bitterness still creeps back in if we have done it out of unhealthy motives....

x

LISTENING TO- 6 underground- sneaker pimps

I found a new theme tune for me!...

Well as a few posts ago a meantioned MIKA... today i got his album... and oh how i love it... camp beats rock!



But my new theme... that should be played everywhere i walk along with my inner monologue...

BIG GIRL YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...

Never (since Queens big bottoms girls) has there been such a possitive song about the female figure... curves in all the right places... thats me for sure!



So if you see me stut down the street and a jolly kinda 'i feel like dancin' way... its probably cos i am listening to MIKA and even more likely is my 'fi-anthem' big girl...



love you all... just as you are... perfect



x



LISETENING TO- well dur... big girl by MIKA

i dont like it...

why is it that when we are at a low point it all seems to happen...
loneliness creeps in like a big black cloud that appears in a matter of miniutes.
It annoys me just how much thinking i can be consumed by when things get bad... i seem to OD on the fight i have in my head...
why do i continually seek for something i know i cant and shouldnt have right now?!

this isnt a blog to say poor me, im still single does anyone fancy me?!
this is a blog to point out the blueness in how annoying it is to feel like i want to make a plee... i dont want to, but i do... its like Paul in Romans (from the bible) talks about not wanting to sin but still going ahead and doing it...

I dont want a guy, i mean i do... one day.... but right now i cant have one... 1) cos there isnt anyone around to call my own and 2) i do not have the time or energy to have another being in my life and 3) and maybe this should be number one... my relationship with God should be first... how can i have another man in my life if he becomes a wall between me and my creator? the answer is simple and clear... no no NO!

God isnt a bog old guy on a cloud with a big stick pointing out my unhappiness and saying i wont ever be happy... i am in some ways and he will fulfil his promise to me one day... he is a loving father (amoung many other great things) who knows best for his daughter and knows just the right time place and guy for me... i know i have to trust him... and i DO... oh how i do!
but its just hard waiting... know what i mean?!

thanks for reading what seems like a moan now!

x

LISTENING TO- God put a smile upon you face by Coldplay (no really i am listening to this in a kinda ironic kinda way!)

Its simple but amazes me...

Today sees a new journey for the Church to whom i am a member of...

Today we 'inducted' our new paster Mr Gary Woodall...

And he is an amazing and blessed man, i knew him from when i was a child myself, and my parents knew him too. A Great visionary who looks like it bringing a new wave of excitement with him into the church, Nailsea Baptist.

During the service is was said more than a few times that as a church we need to be careful we dont just sit back and wait for God to do his thing in Gary, but that God was to do he thing with all of us, just at some points Gray will be the director under God's call.

The bit that amazes me just how much it is clear God is walking, living and breathing alongside us both indivudally and as a group, as a church, as a body of Christ.

We embark on a new part of our journey and it excited me just how i will be used... this i guess is a personal thing and almost selfish, but when i realised i was called to be a youth worker i knew that at times it would be acting alone when i asked God where he wants me. However, this new part isnt lonely... but i do need to be reminded to look around and see the faces of the warm and kind hearted people to whom i work for and with.

So thank you for all who made me so welcome at the start and continue to hold me so dearly!

The vision i hold at the moment is everyone in a long line doing the 'monkey' walk (when you start with the same foot while linking arms and step over the person's foot and so on, not that clearly explained). We walk together, united under God's diection... what a wonderful place to be!

x

LISTENING TO- Rob dougan- will you follow me?

my 50th post...

Well i know i can talk a lot at times, but it seems worht while to point out this IS my 50th post since starting this blog last year... hope there is another 50, i am enjoying this blogging reponsiblity!

This week as been high and low by exstream standard... i have SO much work to do and so much i was to void! College has been hard this week... i dont want to go into detail, but i think the journey is only half way though and so much more needs to be done, comunication is key.

Just a little plee... as some of you know i am trying to bring the entertainment progamme together for the week of camp i do at Hill House this summer... I dont want too much publicity for the theme but if any of you have things i can use comment or email me and we can talk in the real world about the theme ;)

ok i can svoid it any more... work is calling :(

x

LISTENING TO- what your soul sings by Massive Attack