I have come to recognise I tweet a lot... probably not at much as I used to... unless watching tv by myself...
I think some may assume I'm on facebook a lot as my twitter feed runs into facebook. However it's more of a case I'm on twitter longer and that lasts a mere few minutes.
So... I understand the many uses and reasons other use twitter. But I guess I feel it's important I establish for myself way I probably spend 30/40 minutes total a day taping around my twitter app.
Accountability
My original idea and reason for facebook status' and the tweets was to form a little accountability to whoever would read it. if I could share it for whatever reason then maybe I either shouldn't say it or even be involved with whatever the content was. I still hold to this, like most people what I think doesn't always line up with what I do or say... so it helps for me to engage with an external source.
Reality
I'm not naive to think my engagement via social network is a good and healthy way to form or grow friends. But it does provide a small way of keeping in touch with things outside my personal world and head space.
Culture
It fascinates me just how social media has changed the communication of news. Twitter especially provides an avenue for current happenings and points of view. Allowing me to see what others think or what they have found out with topics I am passionate about or introducing me to the new.
Step out.
There are times when I simply feel I need to be more constructive with what I'm thinking about. To then shoot out an short 140 characters means I need to firm up a thought or let go. Either way I move on.
These four motives mean I may write tweets for different reasons. Some are silly and others reflective. But either way it's not the be all and end all but just a start... an small engagement upon the skimming surface of my mind.
You are welcome to read, question and of course comment... A journey should never be totally alone.
x
Friday, November 05, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The thin line...
Jesus said to keep forgiving but he also said don't be a door mat. The writer of most New testament Paul points out we have a duty to help others learn from their mistakes.
At work we try and show grace (rather than punishment, acceptance) however this has led to action. Some of the young people have taken advantage of this and so a cycle of no or little learning has been put in an unhelpful motion.
So we are down to zero tolerance of bad behaviour. Forgiveness now comes at a price. It did before, just we took it rather than paying it out.
But this has pushed itself to my own life.
I get pretty hurt, mostly from my own expectations upon others not being fulfilled... This mostly comes down to my naive heart wishing for people to behave towards me how I to them.
When someone wrongs you, especially not knowing it, what should our reaction be? Forgiveness. But what if you don't/can't/won't? Because I don't say anything nothing changes, nothing stops, nothing moves on.
So then a place of sharing and learning is created... But this place is dangerous. It becomes a place of open wounds. Feelings are involved and you leave security.
The scary thing is just how thin the line is we walk between the lie and truth... How much either side if not dealt with carefully and with wisdom it becomes so dangerous, so distorting and so destructive for all involved.
When is the right time to just let things pass, let go and forgive. And when is it right to stand up and deal out what has been happening... With the possible punishment/consequence. And of course with that I hope forgiveness...
I don't know if we can ever know this wisdom fully by ourselves, but my real fear what I destroy if I take the action I know I should.
X
At work we try and show grace (rather than punishment, acceptance) however this has led to action. Some of the young people have taken advantage of this and so a cycle of no or little learning has been put in an unhelpful motion.
So we are down to zero tolerance of bad behaviour. Forgiveness now comes at a price. It did before, just we took it rather than paying it out.
But this has pushed itself to my own life.
I get pretty hurt, mostly from my own expectations upon others not being fulfilled... This mostly comes down to my naive heart wishing for people to behave towards me how I to them.
When someone wrongs you, especially not knowing it, what should our reaction be? Forgiveness. But what if you don't/can't/won't? Because I don't say anything nothing changes, nothing stops, nothing moves on.
So then a place of sharing and learning is created... But this place is dangerous. It becomes a place of open wounds. Feelings are involved and you leave security.
The scary thing is just how thin the line is we walk between the lie and truth... How much either side if not dealt with carefully and with wisdom it becomes so dangerous, so distorting and so destructive for all involved.
When is the right time to just let things pass, let go and forgive. And when is it right to stand up and deal out what has been happening... With the possible punishment/consequence. And of course with that I hope forgiveness...
I don't know if we can ever know this wisdom fully by ourselves, but my real fear what I destroy if I take the action I know I should.
X
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Norman...
struggling to sleep do blog it is!
walking home from a meeting I had a text from the mum to say Norman Wisdom had died.
very sad, but at 95 years it's not the most unexpected thing to happen. but no matter the age it's still hard, and you'll always miss them.
however Normans passing has lead me down a path of thinking I was hoping to avoid sharing, but I want to... more of a process than a make do thing.
it was the first anniversary of my dads death 4 days ago. apart from a brief meeting in the morning I spent most of the day just relaxing and watching some tv. I just wanted to 'be' and with very little choice as many others were busy. (but a massive heart felt love to those who brought me comfort during the day!)
with Norman dying today I can't help but reflect on what it means to lose someone so pivotal in your life... no matter how long your relationship is, how good or bad it is or even if there is no relationship... the loss of a father is one that holds so much.
a dads role differs from a mothers (both equally important) but holds so much responsibly for who you are, how you see the world and indeed how the world sees you.
it's stuck me tonight that no matter if your father lives to be 100 and you get to 75 before you are divided or if you never even meet them, the hold they leave can never be replaced.
so I write this reminding myself not to expect to fill that gap with another father figure, but also not to simple wish to step over it all and forget the hole that's left. but to respect the man he was and who he created in me. to allow the void to heal and to carry the wound with pride and remembrance...
we should all allow the fact our parents will die to be part of our life no matter when it happens to be a part of our life... there is a place to greave, celebrate and to grow on...
I miss him tremendously, and that will never go, but this doesn't stop me continuing to be his daughter is the life today and tomorrow...
x
listening to: foy vance, be with me.
walking home from a meeting I had a text from the mum to say Norman Wisdom had died.
very sad, but at 95 years it's not the most unexpected thing to happen. but no matter the age it's still hard, and you'll always miss them.
however Normans passing has lead me down a path of thinking I was hoping to avoid sharing, but I want to... more of a process than a make do thing.
it was the first anniversary of my dads death 4 days ago. apart from a brief meeting in the morning I spent most of the day just relaxing and watching some tv. I just wanted to 'be' and with very little choice as many others were busy. (but a massive heart felt love to those who brought me comfort during the day!)
with Norman dying today I can't help but reflect on what it means to lose someone so pivotal in your life... no matter how long your relationship is, how good or bad it is or even if there is no relationship... the loss of a father is one that holds so much.
a dads role differs from a mothers (both equally important) but holds so much responsibly for who you are, how you see the world and indeed how the world sees you.
it's stuck me tonight that no matter if your father lives to be 100 and you get to 75 before you are divided or if you never even meet them, the hold they leave can never be replaced.
so I write this reminding myself not to expect to fill that gap with another father figure, but also not to simple wish to step over it all and forget the hole that's left. but to respect the man he was and who he created in me. to allow the void to heal and to carry the wound with pride and remembrance...
we should all allow the fact our parents will die to be part of our life no matter when it happens to be a part of our life... there is a place to greave, celebrate and to grow on...
I miss him tremendously, and that will never go, but this doesn't stop me continuing to be his daughter is the life today and tomorrow...
x
listening to: foy vance, be with me.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Who is my neighbour?…
We have been in our house for 3 months now… kinda scary how the time just fades away, but our time here is going very well, this is home…
last weekend i needed to mow the lawn, but i really didn’t feel like
making much of an effort with how i looked, i knew i was in tidy mode and likely to get a sweat on as well as a little messy. So on with the joggers, old t-shirt and on with the household jobs.
As i was fighting with the lawn mower in the front garden i saw one of my neighbours walk past, he slowed now and so, being a polite lady i stopped the machine and walked a little close to him to say hi…
our conversation wasn’t particularity deep, mostly about university, study and holidays… but it was nice to have a little chat.
after he left i realised just how rough i was looking… hair pulled back and looking massively greasy, no make up and rocking the tired look oh so well, just to top that i had the red shiny glow of an unfit person actually working…
While i was cringing inside of the mess he must have witnessed i pondered upon just how he didn’t react, this being said i doubt many would point out the grossness of my Saturday afternoon look, but he gave no concern at all… was nice to not feel judged…
Then i realised this is what it means to be a turn neighbour- not one that ignores how rough someone looks, but now i was totally honest in how i looked- being a neighbour holds that total honesty.
now of course by neighbour i do not mean the street you live in, but the friends, people and world around…
to be a good neighbour is to have a the mask removed and to be genuinely honest with all who you engage with.
Easier said than done at times i know, but one that makes the world so much better never the less…
x
Listening to: Daniel Beddingfield- he dont live you like i love you
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Who do i want to be…
Today i was asked a question that has made me think once again about who i am and who i want to be…
As a woman i think its in built to always think about who i am… to ponder about my self esteem and if it is in line with reality.
I am unsure if this is a good dynamic of a personality, but one i have and one i know many other women have.
But this leads me to what happened earlier…
Someone asked if i could do something… or at least think about the possibility of doing something… This isn’t the place to explore the answer to that question, i am sure there will be time on that one later.
but for now the surprise, the why i was asked… i was given this description: female, passionate, heart to see women become superb and willing to see the kingdom built.
these were things suggested that i have displayed…
i see these things in me and i freely admit that i wish to have more of this,(apart from the female thing as i am already pretty good at that factor) but i don't think i have ever had anyone tell me that they at least seek cracks of these light from me.
this isn't to say i have such a low self value that i fail to see anything others or even God sees in me, but that i just never saw or believed it before (yes there is a difference in those two statements of observation!) Its like walking past a picture on a wall you have walked past for months, you saw it once, maybe even looked at it a few times, but after a while it just becomes the wall and you no longer recognise it for the value or beauty it has.
at times in my life i see myself as others see me… most of the time this is a distorted and twisted view that has been corrupted by my own second guessing. but sometimes, just a few times i get a sneaky peek and what they really see and i am surprised.
So what do i take from this? 
i realise from my understanding of individual and spiritual development we need to recognise who we are in how we are mirrored in the relationships we are placed in. (How we see ourselves through other’s eyes).
This then means i need to work on my development of seeing what others see, not allowing my own template to dictate or to allow judgement on either side to lead. But to realise the value the other has.
and of course what God sees…
x
Listening to: By the time by Mika
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I’m back!
Miss me?!
Probably not 
in all honesty… i recognise that most these blogs are flung into the big wide space that is the internet and very few cast a look over them… But i don’t write to gain readers or even to ask for others understanding.
I write as at times i have plenty to say and no way of saying it… and so here are my words in a vain hope to be active in some form of moving on or developing my own thought.
Write a diary you may suggest… but i must have taken my fair share of trees in the amount of blank books i’ve started and then failed to fill… I just need a simple outlet with no restrictions to hand ache or spelling.
I guess there is a small part that hopes someone reads this at some point, again for not validation but just that what i write here is what i would say to someone who was sat next to me and willing to engage into a conversation to whatever my wander little mind has goes…
My life style, work and social are fair mixed which leaves me alone for a lot of odd times, i don’t mind but conversation is lacking at times. My exploration of me, the world, faith, youth work, media and many other topics then get a little crowded in my head to the point scrambling them down for others to stumble upon them makes sense.
So, after a break off I am back to witter on on many things happening…
Thanks for reading if you have gotten thing far!
x
Listening to: Mint Royal- Blue
Thursday, June 03, 2010
hmmm...
I miss blogging...
I move soon and hoping to get the Internet at home... then I'll return!
x
I move soon and hoping to get the Internet at home... then I'll return!
x
Friday, March 05, 2010
Sat in my car...
... And I'm just listening to music which I love so much...
Saw Mika in Bristol tonight... At a gig of course and sadly not just an over coffee chat...
He was very good, clearly lives to be the entertainer and has a very good stage production team...
But something happened to me that normally is reserved for a 'meaningful' song or powerful tune...
The tears of awe and wonder...
But the difference was it was at the start, and wasn't anything to do with what I was listening to
During the support I was fairly bored, he was good but I was ready for mika entertainment and mika he was not... So my mind wondered and I started to think of how the angels praise God...
The bible talks of singing and harps... But this was in the context of singing and harps... Guitars and pianos weren't around then... So started to wonder if in heaven God is being praised by amazing bands with every possible skill and harmonic bliss...
Then I sat, waited and the show as had paid to watch began... After the acted introduction came the first song and I found the stiring I normally keep a hold of till we are in full gig swing. As the lights blazed around the room, lighting each face present and being a full presents of the music we heard it was very clear... This is a glimpes of heaven... The tears fell more than normal, and I knew once more God honnoured me was this blessing...
No mika is not god, no the song that was playing wasn't for god nor were the people there to praise Him... But I saw just for those few seconds how big and amazing it will be... More than we can ever write, experience or expect... Better than the best...
Heaven is a band, there to bring the best praise possible...
X
Saw Mika in Bristol tonight... At a gig of course and sadly not just an over coffee chat...
He was very good, clearly lives to be the entertainer and has a very good stage production team...
But something happened to me that normally is reserved for a 'meaningful' song or powerful tune...
The tears of awe and wonder...
But the difference was it was at the start, and wasn't anything to do with what I was listening to
During the support I was fairly bored, he was good but I was ready for mika entertainment and mika he was not... So my mind wondered and I started to think of how the angels praise God...
The bible talks of singing and harps... But this was in the context of singing and harps... Guitars and pianos weren't around then... So started to wonder if in heaven God is being praised by amazing bands with every possible skill and harmonic bliss...
Then I sat, waited and the show as had paid to watch began... After the acted introduction came the first song and I found the stiring I normally keep a hold of till we are in full gig swing. As the lights blazed around the room, lighting each face present and being a full presents of the music we heard it was very clear... This is a glimpes of heaven... The tears fell more than normal, and I knew once more God honnoured me was this blessing...
No mika is not god, no the song that was playing wasn't for god nor were the people there to praise Him... But I saw just for those few seconds how big and amazing it will be... More than we can ever write, experience or expect... Better than the best...
Heaven is a band, there to bring the best praise possible...
X
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
You again...
After a lovely evening with friends combining my favorite things of food music and hosting, I get home with a bitter taste in my mouth...
My company was fabulous and my food was great but there is a guy...
It normally is right?!
I do fine without him, go weeks without seeing him and then... Then without any effort I turn into a little jealous school girl.
I'm not sure I even like him... Certainly not effort to be worthy of concern. But the conversations we've had seemed good, indepth and enjoyable. But these stopped very quickly and now it feels like a big void...
I don't mind moving on, some friendships do. But it's the looks and glances that I see... Makes it difficult to understand.
Human emotion is so complicated at times... Or is it just a case that we hold the answers we just over think and complicate with clouds of ponderment...
No matter what, the moment has passed and now I need to box up and move on...
X
Watching: Spaced
My company was fabulous and my food was great but there is a guy...
It normally is right?!
I do fine without him, go weeks without seeing him and then... Then without any effort I turn into a little jealous school girl.
I'm not sure I even like him... Certainly not effort to be worthy of concern. But the conversations we've had seemed good, indepth and enjoyable. But these stopped very quickly and now it feels like a big void...
I don't mind moving on, some friendships do. But it's the looks and glances that I see... Makes it difficult to understand.
Human emotion is so complicated at times... Or is it just a case that we hold the answers we just over think and complicate with clouds of ponderment...
No matter what, the moment has passed and now I need to box up and move on...
X
Watching: Spaced
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The day the spilts the westen world...
Tomorrows seeing 14th of feburary and another valentines day...
We witness the great divide of the couples and the singletons. The paired up try to create new romantic memories, while those without a partner try and be happy even if it's genuine or not...
This is where I confess is the landmark time I wonder what the next year holds for me when it comes to my own love life. Each year I find myself single, and that's not an issue... But like new years, birthdays and every other landmark in our calendar it's a time to take stock. To look back at what's gone and wonder what's to come.
I always wonder when I get to the next 14th day of the second month if I might at least have a boyfriend to plot sending lovehearts to... So far the wonders haven't gotten me far. And that's ok, I'm happy to leave it in Gods hands... No matter how fustrating I might get.
I've been trying to work out how much effort a single Christian should put in when thinking about settling down...
Now I start from the understanding a Christian looking to date is a Christian looking for the long term marriage thing (yes that scary commitment requirement!) But how active should a Christian be to find the 'one'?
The Christian faith requires exactly that... Faith, that trust, the understanding and calm to know it's in Gods hands. We are created with free will, created with creativity and created with the skills to assess what to do in each situation... But that doesn't mean we don't need the guidance or wisdom God imparts, I know I would be lost without it.
So can we activily make those massive decisions or should we wait for God to reveal himself and his plans? Should Christians go for the dating help or simply wait?
When serving God is top of the list what else or who else should you need? With this perspective finding a husband isn't as important.. Yes loneliness is rubbish and our culture says the being single is a negative... But God creates the bigger picture. With that looking for a date isn't the most important thing... No matter if it's a struggle the trust in God becomes even more imporant.
I'm not sure if I made my thoughts clear or if I'm right in my ponderings... But I know even if I'd love to find my own love I should and am happy to meet another valentines day single... And will simply ask and wait on God.
X
Filming watching
We witness the great divide of the couples and the singletons. The paired up try to create new romantic memories, while those without a partner try and be happy even if it's genuine or not...
This is where I confess is the landmark time I wonder what the next year holds for me when it comes to my own love life. Each year I find myself single, and that's not an issue... But like new years, birthdays and every other landmark in our calendar it's a time to take stock. To look back at what's gone and wonder what's to come.
I always wonder when I get to the next 14th day of the second month if I might at least have a boyfriend to plot sending lovehearts to... So far the wonders haven't gotten me far. And that's ok, I'm happy to leave it in Gods hands... No matter how fustrating I might get.
I've been trying to work out how much effort a single Christian should put in when thinking about settling down...
Now I start from the understanding a Christian looking to date is a Christian looking for the long term marriage thing (yes that scary commitment requirement!) But how active should a Christian be to find the 'one'?
The Christian faith requires exactly that... Faith, that trust, the understanding and calm to know it's in Gods hands. We are created with free will, created with creativity and created with the skills to assess what to do in each situation... But that doesn't mean we don't need the guidance or wisdom God imparts, I know I would be lost without it.
So can we activily make those massive decisions or should we wait for God to reveal himself and his plans? Should Christians go for the dating help or simply wait?
When serving God is top of the list what else or who else should you need? With this perspective finding a husband isn't as important.. Yes loneliness is rubbish and our culture says the being single is a negative... But God creates the bigger picture. With that looking for a date isn't the most important thing... No matter if it's a struggle the trust in God becomes even more imporant.
I'm not sure if I made my thoughts clear or if I'm right in my ponderings... But I know even if I'd love to find my own love I should and am happy to meet another valentines day single... And will simply ask and wait on God.
X
Filming watching
Friday, February 12, 2010
Possibly a VERY good idea...
If this as simple as it says it is... why not? From nurses to Youth workers the money is being cut back... lets create the oppotunity for this to stop.
Scary to think just how much money does go through our banks if those figures are just 0.05% on transactions...
x
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Am I really still only 13 years old?!
Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about friendships... While mine can be difficult and hard work at times there is always value in having people who genuinly mean something to you.
At school I was a loner, mostly due to bullying and poor social ability I never really had much of a network of long lasting friends (not to say I'm not thankful for the friends I had but out Of them I am only in contact with one now).
This isn't a pity me blog, but I need to say were I'm coming from...
At 16 leaving school was one of the best things I've ever done. Looking back I now understand school didn't allow me to be the extrovert that I really am...
I love being the centre of attension and so the progression is to want to be popular... And this is were I struggle.
Recently I found myself being back in the big pond and being a small fish. Where there were social groups Im not a part of and where there are other queen bees ruling the rooms Im in.
I'm not a control freak, I don't demand anything from anyone. I just simply like to know what's happening and where I stand with everyone... This isn't possible when the situation is changed...
And so I find myself conjuring all those feelings and emotions of a 13 year old. Wanting to be in the popular girls gang, wanting to be cool and liked.
I didn't like it then and now was no difference... But why? Am I so shallow I need that afirmation?! Or is it a case of undoing the past? Or maybe just down to insecurity?
Whatever the answer... Now I can see it I need to let it go, no matter what the answer is there is very little I can do to fix what is outside of my control.
X
At school I was a loner, mostly due to bullying and poor social ability I never really had much of a network of long lasting friends (not to say I'm not thankful for the friends I had but out Of them I am only in contact with one now).
This isn't a pity me blog, but I need to say were I'm coming from...
At 16 leaving school was one of the best things I've ever done. Looking back I now understand school didn't allow me to be the extrovert that I really am...
I love being the centre of attension and so the progression is to want to be popular... And this is were I struggle.
Recently I found myself being back in the big pond and being a small fish. Where there were social groups Im not a part of and where there are other queen bees ruling the rooms Im in.
I'm not a control freak, I don't demand anything from anyone. I just simply like to know what's happening and where I stand with everyone... This isn't possible when the situation is changed...
And so I find myself conjuring all those feelings and emotions of a 13 year old. Wanting to be in the popular girls gang, wanting to be cool and liked.
I didn't like it then and now was no difference... But why? Am I so shallow I need that afirmation?! Or is it a case of undoing the past? Or maybe just down to insecurity?
Whatever the answer... Now I can see it I need to let it go, no matter what the answer is there is very little I can do to fix what is outside of my control.
X
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Is there ever a time you are 'ok' with death?
Now before I go any further I think I'm ok with my own mortality, the question is about the death of others...
Today is the funeral of two people. Both of whom I wasn't close to but still saddens me to think they no longer have their influences in this world personally.
I can't bear the idea of going into that setting yet...
But when will I ever? I've been to a grandfathers and another relativeS and even a boy when we were still at school... And it's been fine afterwards. But after my own dad's funeral I struggle to get my head round the 'give it time' concept.
It's not that I have a desire to go to all the funerals possible, but it seems to be so different post October '09...
Maybe it's now so personal, the detachment can no longer happen... I guess my ponder then is when can I detach once again?!
X
Watching CBB
Today is the funeral of two people. Both of whom I wasn't close to but still saddens me to think they no longer have their influences in this world personally.
I can't bear the idea of going into that setting yet...
But when will I ever? I've been to a grandfathers and another relativeS and even a boy when we were still at school... And it's been fine afterwards. But after my own dad's funeral I struggle to get my head round the 'give it time' concept.
It's not that I have a desire to go to all the funerals possible, but it seems to be so different post October '09...
Maybe it's now so personal, the detachment can no longer happen... I guess my ponder then is when can I detach once again?!
X
Watching CBB
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