it's just 11 weeks...

Yep... 11 weeks since my dad died and I've had a lot to work out, think over, put into act and react to in every aspect of my life...

All this makes me ponder if I am numb to somethings or I just have a delyed reaction...

There are somethings can't write in my blog as it's not fair on those involved...

But I can say is my pain I've felt at times hasn't been softened at the times I've expected...

And so Christmas is here in less than one week it's a landmark in my life... bigger than many that have gone before... In all honesty I'm not sure how to prepare for it, but while that's something I dislike at the best of times, it's part of the package...

I just need to take things as they happen, we can no more prepare for the death of someone than the fallout afterwards... But being ready for the unknown can help... How that works I am unsure of though!

Tomorrow I preach at the churches nativity, the core to Christmas is love- more love than we can ever comprehend. No matter if you have a Christian faith or not you can still recognise the heart of the story is God acting out his plan to reunite what was separated... By giving a sacrafice that means more than anything else, His son...

Love in action

No matter where we are, no matter what you believe, no matter what is happening may this love be shown to you.

X

Listening to: mountains by biffy clyro

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chew chew!

This weekend saw me getting back to the youthwork conference without food poisioning distractions or traffic issues...

It was a welcome (yet still busy) break from the norm and has given me much to think about...

Was good be remindered of Psalm 1 once again and the Jewish custom and value of not only thinking things over and over but recognize that there isn't always one answer to the question.

I'm still blasted from the words of Jim Wallis : FAITH > HOPE > ACTION > CHANGE ... And just how this works out in my life, faith and practice. I have no idea what this looks like yet... But to be sure will be ringing out from a long time to come...

But the negative package I brought back was my reaction to a certain very famous Christian speaker. The words he used, the absense of any real link to the weekends theme and the exclusivity of his practice all led myself and the other youth work leaders in my party to be not only fustrated but a feeling of annoyance and very wound up...

The question to myself into the big wide world of the blog is what now... I am able to construct ways and means of using all I learnt in my life and world. But about the rubbish bits that I seem to have ringing in my ears, the poor example set as 'good'... So many lap up the words of such influencal people without questioning- something I always ask others to do, never just settle for being spoon fed!

How do I let go of things that annoy and be constructive?...

I don't pretend to know it all... But when you think something isn't right it's your reaction that counts for what is in front of you... Say or do nothing and it can only be assumed as ok no matter how wrong or right...

X

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X Factor isn't so new...

Ok so while I still ponder many lyrics etc etc (blah blah blah!)...

I realised something on my way home this evening that as much as i can't not stand X Factor or any other show of the same breeding it is just a public version if used to/still happening to find the lastest pop culture taste...

Look at Take That, Blue and most other boy bands (and girl groups) and you find 4-5 people all auditoned from different parts of the uk to come together and form what could be the next big thing...

In my musical taste just allow a few of these made up groups into my iTunes collection... Then why can I object to the 'reality' shows just making a process I'm ok with open to more public opinon than it would have gotten in the 90s?

I'm not excusing these shows, I still think they are rubbish and a waste of money for a result I am rarely happy with... But if the same created 'bands' are to be churned out tv program or not, maybe it is a good thing it's done in the watchers' view?

I roll my eyes that I've said 'ok' to the x factor- a show I never watch but find myself asking for key weekly phases to keep in vouge with conversations....

Noise to express my annoiance... GAH!

X

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how to help...

So anyone who has read anything of this or knows me, knows that music is a large part of my life... As are the lyrics.

So this is the lastest: 'what can I do to save the day, if only it was as easy as a DVD and a take away' from Mr Hudson- lift your head

So this is what I'll be thinking on for a wee while...

X

Listening to: mr Hudson- time

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Test number 3

3rd try...

this is just a test

trying out a new format to see if this works...

new blog...

I'm thinking of setting myself another year challenge...

A little while ago I took a picture of myself, one a day and then made a short film.

I'd like to think I see the lighter side of the day, but could a point out something everyday for a year that was good? Easy on a good day, but what about those days that are rubbish- when I'm low and I don't care to share?!

Well... Let's try it- I'm going to take this challenge, but need to look at the format. Blogging on my phone doesn't include pictures and Twitter/facebook are too casual to keep this record directly.

Once the funeral and I'm back to work I'll get on how and what shape this challenge will take...

X

Watching: might boosh series one: Charlie.

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the only words I seem to know are only sounds...

I write blogs for a few reasons but tonight it's to share how I feel and maybe give hope to anyone is a similar situation who may stumble across this ramble...

Today my dad died

For the last 5/6 years we have spent our time thinking most days could be the last, making plans and putting them on hold and in the end watching the human being who gave me life be reduced to a shell.

I say this without bitterness or even resentment. I believe whatever happens God has a bigger plan than I'll ever comprehend... I say it in observation as I cooly and calmly bring myself to understand the man who gave me my wit and sense of humour is no long here, I no longer have the hero to be a side kick to in the comdey due of the house.

It's been tough for my family to come to terms with what's been happening. Many will plead the case it was unfair for my dad to have spent such a long time (for want if a better word) dying. And to die at such a relativly young age of 60. And I don't know- of course I would love him to be here, to still laugh with and try to solve the worlds problems in one of our late Friday evening chats, and I cetainly never want anyone to go through what he did...

But our lives are in chapters, some we think will continue how we want and others are changed and are altered...

I can never pretend to know everything, but I know that there is safety in not knowing. I can't fool myself with falseness or blind myself to truth. But I do know this...

My dad will be missed by many
My dad is now no longer suffering
My dad was secure in his faith and didn't fear death
My dad will leave his mark on this earth that will continue for many many years to come

And

My dad is my dad and I am proud of him for his whole life esp these last few years.

X

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Can't we talk?

In my last blog I put up Mr Hudson's latest single 'White Lies' with the challenge to myself to think on it...

I don't want to look at the writer or to say I have a difinitive answer from these lyrics... But just to look at the challenge that if I lay claim to sing along and use these words myself- what am I saying?

For we there are two elements which come from this song...

Is it ever justified to lie?

And

Are we doing the right thing when we change our behaviour to better a relationship?

I could write hundreds of words exploring the rights and wrongs of answers to these questions- but I'm not to voice of reason for anyone else but me.

So for one of the few times i'm not going to say much more... But to leave those questions hanging in the air as the song continues to play in your ears...

X

Watching: Hancock on DVD (not bad do far)

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White Lies from Mr Hudson Video...

With my love of music and lyrics i often have the conversation in my head...
what does it mean?
what does it mean to sing it?

This isnt ever for one song... but with a new single i thought i'd ask again of Mr [Ben] Hudson's song White Lies and ask a few questions... here is the video... i will blog later on where ive gotten to on my wonderings...

Mr Hudson - White Lies from MrHudson on Vimeo.

x

I don't need your responce...

I've found myself at that point again when I just have to question what's going on and how I can once more dig out of the hole I have seemed to put myself into...

I don't want a responce, I can't make that any clearer: I just simply need to get out what's happening in my head in a constuctive form. I don't need anyone to ask me about this nor do I want to talk about it, I will talk to the friends I need when I am able to conjure the words without choking...

I've been thrown into thinking about loneiness once more... Yes I am single, and yes I am happy to wait: as long as I do get a happy ending my heart us settled with.

But with this comes the loneiness, the loneiness I realise I've had follow me like a gray cloud all my life. The loneiness that has lead me into stupid and difficult emotional situations I care never to repeat.

The loneiness that at times crates bitterness and anger, jealousy and fustration.

I know this isn't me and yet it consumes me...

I want it all to stop and I know the answer doesn't simply lie with another person, it's bigger than that. It would be a false to place the responsiblity onto a person and expect them to be perfect and able to carry my load...

I know I can't simply seek to replace one problem with another, just putting a plaster over a gapeing wound doesnt make it any better...

So how do I get to this point of ok-ness... The realisation that the balance in a relationship can now be entered?

When does the loneiness go without the burden or pressure?

X

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I like smiling me...

Yes, as the title says... I like to smile.

I like the effect on myself and the person I send the flash of teeth to, be it a stranger, a shop assisstant, a close friend or someone in the next car.

I don't smile to gain reward, just to spead happiness and a mini bit of love-the glimpes if God's love I hope.

But these smiles seem to be getting me into trouble. And not, I add quickly, the flirty guy trouble you might think!

This trouble seems to be the betrayal of how I am really feeling, my smiles have become a mask: one I never intended. Yes, at times my smiles have been a coping thing. But it seems everyone reads them at 'face value'.

My issue is how am I really feeling?! Which is the honest answer? Is there a mask or am I ok?

It's not that I don't know how I am feeling, it's just my reaction to the fact not many other people seem to know.

Right now my personal life is pretty rubbish, but I have to take it in my stride, or I know it would tip my over the edge if sanity (thus the smiles etc). But this has lead to many people in my life thinking I'm fine, when at times I'm really not...

So how do I express/share/show what's going on without the outbrust or sudden death tears?! My smiles aren't a cover: but I know they now build a wall of fakery I never intented... When I smile I do mean it- but how do I smile along WITH the sadness in my heart, for the death I know is coming soon to my family?

X

Listening to: muse, the resistance.

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can't touch this...

so i do well for gigs... of course i am fortunate enough to get to buy tickets to go to quite a few over the year...

but i get my fair share of won tickets too...

the most resent Mr Hudson iTunes in London, was a great gig.  Massive fan of Mr Hudson for a few years now and it is good to see him get more recognition for the amazing talent he clearly has.

but this gig showed me something i hadnt noticed... the obsession with touch...

im not talking about the far i was deep in a crowd, i mean the witness to a 'need' to touch the famous.

Mr Hudson's support was Kid British, a new band who i was quite impressed with. especially their own version of madness 'our house'. it seemed i was almost crushed as one of the band came down to the no mans land between stage and crowd. the rush of the people who all wanted to get just that little bit closer to the singer, hands grabbing at anything they could find...

after the heat calmed down from the mad surge, we started to get excited for Mr Hudson's soon to be performance... and sure enough he came on and clearly gave all he could. As he sang with Kanye West (his special guest) Mr Hudson jumps down into that no mans land and while the pushing wasnt as bad, there was a raising up of hands all clutching and grabbing at the air around this famous person...

 

his singing wasnt affected and so i didnt really know what was happening other than i couldnt see... i wasnt till i looked at the official pictures i saw the head hugging only 8ft away from me.

but i dont get it... whats with the NEED to touch, grab and feel the famous... i now think back to Maximo Park and the massive annoyance of a young guy who i can only describe as obsessively arm flailing and air punching each time Paul Smith came remotely near us... again trying to touch...

I am reminded of the story of Jesus in a crowd with the woman touched him, who was then healed... she had it in her mind 'if i just touch him i will be well'... is it this we try to grab hold of today? while i know no one would claim famous people have any special powers, what do we think we can gain by touching a stranger?

x

Listening to: TV- the bill, dad's choice not mine....

Faith by music... again...

So this month has been a 'gigtastic' month as it has been named...

I will blog picture, reviews and indeed who i have seen once i have uploaded all the photos etc...

but for now... here are my reflections...

this is were i need to confess... only when you get to the only side you quite realise what was happening...

my faith has and is and i am sure will be a massive part of my life...

however due to somethings happening i have been suffering a lot with feeling rubbish and generally and at a cost, my faith took a battering...

i am slowly rebuilding myself, not by myself... this brick by brick remold is God's work...

But i cant help but laugh at quite what happened...

each time i actively engage with anything i try to ask God from him to reveal something within what is happening... and it works, countless times i have met with God.

(please note that this is MY experience and is based upon my faith, while i recognise i can leave myself wide open for your views and if you think they is or isnt a God/god. for me there is... that is where faith comes in. you cant disprove faith. im not claiming to have anything sorted or to even tell you what to believe, but i want to share my experience for anyone to read and reflect the impacts upon their own life. this blog is called 'walk with me' for that simple reason, i dont ask you to fight, chase or even agree, but just to simple walk and i will happily listen to my company as you listen and engage with me)

in my anger i often find my tears. a frustrating part of my life, i cry at most things... ask anyone one who knows me well to know this.

most of the times i can hide in the mask (we all have) and carry on with life. life on your own gives you chance to think about these things- and lately i just havent had a chance to ignore things....

i have blogged many a time on how words stir me, they give me something to own . im not someone who writes easily, someone who can create great sentence structure (as you can tell)... but i do find the beauty in listening to others... and no more so than in lyrics.

and this is where the laughing comes back...

in one night, one song highlighted massive issue and another saved me from it....

i have been wondering around (in my head) like a little lost lamb unsure what to do with how i was feeling or how to act/react to what was going wrong, something no one knew about...

then, during a karaoke session with the usual suspects in my life i found myself asking 'im i losing my faith' REM was the song that made we question this oh so much...

yes i know this is a stereotype so i will not hold onto that... but i found myself really asking, have i lost it all? have i lost the one thing i thought i had held steadfast. and furthermore what do i do? who do i speak to?!

then an hour later i see my friend singing, another friend holding onto me and i realise that no matter what i am doing, no matter who i think i have become or how much a fear things.... i am not alone. when the words....

'ill stand by you'

were uttered into my ear and deep into my soul.

yes, i found my faith again in girls aloud... a disappointing but true fact.

and now i seek His face once again in the everyday, in the normal, in the voice of others and in His word...

its not always easy, but even with your eyes closed you cant stop who is standing next to you....

x

Listening to: Mr Hudson: Picture of you.

 

 

Addition:

while i have struggled with my faith, i dont doubt God. it is this that allows me to continue to live, work and do everything else in my life.... God is a constant... not me. the better way round.

i really do believe it is within the doubt we really see more of God...

lyrics...

Last night I saw the Rumblestrips at the Thekla... The support band were so young!... I am getting more and more used to the fact the amount of people younger than me grows each day.

But want I noticed was the lack of lyrics at times... Nah nah nah and woooo ahhhh... I found myself getting fustrated by this...

I love the engagement of songs, to hear peoples takes on their world. While, at a guess, most songs are based on love and relationships... Peoples ideas and ideals are always different...

So what do we do with the lyrics we soak up?

Agreement?
Challenged?
Enlightened?
Desire to want or own for ourselves?

What we do with what we take in reflects the impact, it gadges our reactions...

I am trying to see if there is a song that comes unstuck at this thought...if there is a song who's lyrics doesn't reflect and or challenge... Even Barbie girl makes you wonder what is fake and real in this life... Even if it is on a some what shallow level!

I have babbled enough...

I should make sure I use my words carefully...

X

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it seems so much has changed...

And yet nothing seems different...

I am forever learning you will never get to the point where you truely can make the statement 'this is it, I know all I need to know'.

I have told countless people about the strange fact of maturing simply means stop declearing yourself as mature... And realize there is always room for improvment... Indeed we all reach the age of 18,21,25 etc and think 'this is it'. I am an adult I can do this thing called life just fine... A year later and call our pass selves fool when we realize we still had so much to learn...

While I think this process slows down as we age, is it just part of our self being to insist we have reached the pinical of our life just to be shown up by our future selves?

I'm not looking for answers, but as a leave another birthday behind me I ponder who I'll be in a years time...

I've always been me, but how I see things change.

Cuttently chuckling to myself as a think of the word change... How it is a powerful word, but when does that power take it's place?

While I might have changed (I question if people want to see that in me but wish to claim hold on the old me they already knew) what if nothing has changed around me, what is the enagement of these two? Oil and water or orange juice and cola?

X

Listening to: the eels with man up

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finally I have blogger on my iPhone!!

So hopefully now my blogging should be up to date... Maybe

Altho I can not work out if this a good thing yet!

I have one of many thoughts at the moment... It has taken a long time, but now a relationship I gave longed for almost all my life is amazing, a little too late. But will be a blessed memory forever...

X

Listening to: the tv... Masterchef

Mobile Blogging from here.

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Its been a while...

So it has been an age since my last blog... not masses to update anyone on really...

I am on the move again, my flat is being sold so i am off to another flat about a mile away from where i am... it is a little bigger than what i have now... so winner!

So...

i have had a mass influx of technology in my life as of late... the iphone is now my very own, and church have new laptops and i been reflecting the need or desire to communicate or at least make your mark in the internet world...

 

when i think about network sites i am only a member of facebook... but then when i list other sites that aren't myspace or bebo... i realise i network online more than i would have thought...

blogging (clearly)

facebook

twitter 

and my latest... snaplog

what do i want to achieve from all this posting, wall writing and pokes?!

first i need to point out i haven't ever come to the point where i have needed to poke someone via facebook- two reasons... store them up for reality and it just seems silly to poke when you could just say hi, but meh that's just me...

i say at some point each week how i like to have the attention... which is true

[for example my performance at karaoke last night wasn't just a simple singing but act for anyone who would watch, which turned out to be a few]

... so then is all this just ways of just jumping up and down and saying look at me?

or is there more?

should there be more?

i think there is... our worth comes from how we are seen in others... how best to work out how someone feels about us by giving them something to react to?

So then am i (us/we/you) just asking everyone to tell us what our worth is?

As a Christian the bible tells us what we are worth to God... everything.

This should be enough... shouldn't it?

and it is, but there are times when you need people around you so show that love, that affirmation.

I was preparing sundays discussion today, as a church we are starting 40 days of community on sunday so we are starting it in the teen classes too this first one fore us is 'better together' 'belonging'...

Paul writes in three different letters the value of the community who are together, each having their own gifts and abilities to the benefit of the whole....

together we make more sense than alone...

so then is internet engagement part of this or is it still too superficial? is it skating on the top when we need to go further... the further then real life engagement which no amount of pictures, words or hits can replace?

how to we make the reality of interfacing via a source of wires and blinking lights more than just a flat screen?

x

LISTENING TO- Grounds for divorce by Elbow