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It's Christmas time...

The title would suggest i am either going to spring into 'do they know it's Christmas' or i am at least just stating the time of year it is right now...

Either way Christmas is but 9 ish days away and my fake Christmas is just two days away, but this doesn't stop me thinking of other things...

At work we have a nativity on Sunday morning, which is always good to see the littles doing something cute- and we have a good habit of making sure we dont just repeat the year before of 'traditional' nativity scene setting which is great for all those involved and watching.

I am leading and doing the talky bit of the service and i guess this a kind of sneak preview of at least what i am thinking about saying.

But really i want to talk and am thinking about avoidance.

Christmas is a massive time of busyness, the time of year when you have to be with people when you want to be alone and when loneliness is at its most depressing...

 

The shopping

The food

The memories

The TV

The traditions

 

Christmas is action packed... but i wonder if we thing or reflect what is is all about, yes hopefully most people know at least it is in memory of the birth of Jesus... does this mean anything more?

For Christians and myself included it is a celebrated time to mark God's love, choosing to come into a world, to live in perfection to then lead to the events of Easter.

Americans have thanks giving day... and i cant help think that Christmas needs to learn from this. Christmas is a time to take stock and listen to what it means to be in relationship with God who created a whole plot line working out the best possible way to make it possible for that relationship to be rebuilt. And then from that listening to take action, to be truly thankful.

I am not sure what this looks like, and i know i like to personally wallow in my self pity, or selfness at times, but i guess i am asking what does it mean to be truly thankful and how do you show it?

In my head i remind myself of Grace, the undeserving gift, where there is nothing we can do to make up for the love given to us but to accept it... this is hard when you want control, when you want to feel you have earn it.

When we feel we have done enough to make ourselves worth loving, when really we are loved more than we know or than we are worth in human terms...

I am not sure quite where i am going now...

So i will stop...

Happy Christmas to all who read this and may 2009  be a year to remember for all its reasons

x

Listening to- Human by the Killers (and myself wishing i had ross noble tickets for may 14th :P )

Praying for- guidance with friends

'just'...

This is only going to be a short one...

But i an getting more and more annoyed at the limitations i place in my prayers... by a short and simple word...

just

x

LISTENING TO: Arguments by RID 

PRAYING FOR: the young people i am working with

Addition...

I have thought further about the friend zone thing...

The friend zone is normally something for guys. Whenever i have seen it in a film or TV or in the net it is normally a status given to men from women who just don't see them as 'anything more' than friends.

So then how does a guy become just a friend and thing more? For what a girl expects, wants, desires or chooses to seek in a guy is probably based of what they have fed their heart from the world around them. As children we are all probably given countless images of the fairytale.

So then how does a guy, the normal everyday, climb up to the disney image?

Is this wrong? For women to seek their own prince? Or for guys to settle with who they are and just ask to be accepted?

Im not sure what point i am trying to make, but i think the friend zone is probably there as the puzzle pieces just dont fit for whatever reason... and i guess what happens next depends on how much you want to fight your corner: disney VS want ?

When did i get so cynical?

I have been thinking a lot about love lately... 

Well don't we all? I think love is the centre of our lives, everything is or needs to be connected to love...

The Christian faith is all about love, the bible speaks of God being love. The act of love from Jesus in his sacrifice for our recreated relationship with God. So many times the Christian faith has been misunderstood or misused to create and things that aren't of God, aren't of love. for this i pray we can continue to learn from these mistakes with God's help. 

Now i have spoken to some length about being single on here, for that i do not make an apology. Singleness is or should be just as valued a status as being married. And i continually strive to be happy with my single-ness, this is were i am at and i should be able to be happy with the situation and opportunities that are being created all around me all the time.

But i have wondered if my singleness is a long(er) term thing. The bible talks of our desires being made and fulfilled by God, and i one day desire to do the whole settle down and marriage thing... so i wait for God to sort that out.

So like most single people who wonder if 'love' or 'the one' is out there i have the radar of love on and guys become a top trump card of categories to see at what status do they have in my life. Friends or more?!

I understand this probably makes me sound like a complete fool and desperate, but i don't think i am. i think this male scanning process is something natural- we all want to be loved and part of that is finding someone to share that love with.

Lately my friends have been asking me the classic question of 'would i go out with someone who was not a Christian'. this isnt the place for me to start giving the rights and wrongs of Christian dating- indeed its a mine field of blurry vision in gray matter.

Im not going to go into that today... but i have questioned the friends to more situation. The idea that friends can become more than just friends to me does not fit with my dream of the knight in shining armor... but then does that really matter?

One friend is a romantic at heart, and i love her for it... but i do struggle with her ideal of from friendship more can happen. I ask myself where does the passion come from, where does the realisation that there is love more than just friends there? I understand the concept- but dont understand the process, how can a puddle grow into an ocean?!

Another friend of mine was stating its over for her and a guy as it has been too long as friends for it to really be anything more.

Is there a danger of 'the friends zone'? Or do you really marry your best friend?

Maybe i am clouded by 'desire' to be whisked off my feet by my prince?

Now i make these statements carefully, i am not saying to any guy who is already in my life that nothing could/would happen... but i do think i while my dreams of 'mr right' are created as they are it would be difficult to buck the trend of my heart- only God can change that one maybe?

I don't have the answers and in someways i won't, but then there is fun is working it out. and i do believe god will place someone in my life who is completely right for me... and till then i will wait (and try to be happy about it! lol)

x

LISTENING TO- The Tears by RID

PRAYING FOR- my mum and dad

This weekend I am mostly sulking...

Age 25

Current Age 8 

you know what you get so fixed on an idea that when it doesnt happen or it doesnt happen they way you want it completely throws you?!

well at least i am still like this and now fear i will be like this for my whole adult life... although i do not remember doing it much as a child, so many i am making up for it (like i really need to eh?!)

friday saw a heavy day at work with meeting and face to face work more than normal and all week i had new friday was coming and was ready for it. then i had the oppotunity to go out after work for a wind down dance to then chillout on the saturday having made myself so tired the night before... however plans change and i was home by 1045 in the most stupid and rubbish mood...

so first... i am sorry i was such an annoying child sulking in a manner that just wasnt needed!

and secondly... i realised that while i dont like this action, how it makes me feel or how it makes others feel... its still part of me and that it is still part of my life with God.

today i had the chance to sit in and be normal in church... i wasnt working and had the chance to just listen. today was all about living under grace and not bound by law.

it was pointed out that God doesnt want to hit us over our head to make us do something, but rather wants us to want to do it... (much like many rom com plots) so then this becomes interesting... when i dont want to do something (as i am in a mood) then what happens to my relationship with God?

he becomes my comfort... he morns with me (even if  it really is over silly things) im not say that just because i want to do something that God is in that, i could want to punch someone in the face but i doubt God is in that. But what i am saying is that in my moods, my fits of sulk, i want to invite God there too...

God is a God of grace, fills the gaps even though we will never ever deserve it... this god then is with me whatever...

When i dont want to talk to God he is still there... i am learning more and more that while i toss my arms about he just waits...

i want to know him more, i want to be more like him.

X

LISTENING TO- Duncan Lloyd- nightfly

How things change...

So at the moment life its a little different...

In fact it will probably never be the same ever again...

New life...

This coming Saturday  I have been asked to give the 'talk' at a local Youth Service... which i am looking forward to in a kinda 'oh my' kinda way. But it is a great way of keeping my grounded... the more i have to think and reflect on things that are outside of my head the better....

I have been given the topic of 'life'... the idea came from the new term and new life in Christ thinking...

And i am realising right now this minute i am two steps over the edge of the new life i have now...

My new job is great... being part of a community and serving, using my skills to continue what is happening and thinking about starting new projects and adventures.

However i say two steps off the edge as this new start i can never return from or start again... My father is in hospital, and is dying. It is unlikely he will make it to Christmas, and daily is becoming less and less like himself...

My new life will have someone missing and my relationships will change as a part of thing.

My dad is safe and secure in his faith, and strongly believes he knows what will happen once he has died... the bible talks of the security we have in Christ, and i can see this in action more than ever right now.

Neither of us are scared of death... which is something so many people it would seem are and fight so hard against. I could rant about so much more on this but i will leave it for now...

I want to keep on track with thinking about life... New life...

When we are born we have life, some would believe its part of one continuous cycle, as one dies another is brought into being. Others, like myself, would say a new life, a whole new person, a fresh being.

But it doesnt just stop there does it?

New life doesnt just start at the minute you were born into this world, while it does, isn't there countless more times we start again, we begin a new chapter. Some are chosen, and some just happen...

But this brings a challenge of what do we do with this new starts. These new lives we have... what does it mean? What can be the impacts?

The list could be endless of the positive or negatives... but doesnt it bring a sense of freedom? Certainly in the Christian faith you begin within the Freedom of Christ when you start your journey.

Looking at what it means with what will happen to me soon... i will start again a new chapter with no earthly father... is this a kind of freedom? Not to say i wish my dad dead, nor say i am trapped within parental concerns. But that this freedom is me standing on my own feet... i HAVE to grow up a little more. I will still be the silly little girl who seeks attention at all times... but that the responsibility of my father for me now rests on my own shoulders and not his.

As i look to prepare my talk for Saturday i will be looking at the new and asking what does it mean? what do we lose and what does that change?

I dont want to give the answers... i want to help to seek to explore...

May God help me

x

LISTENING TO- Bloc Party- Like eating glass

The field of many I just have one thought right now...

Lots is happening... and will return to write what that is later...

But all i wonder right now is why at a time love seems to be needed to most do i fight so hard to only want it from where it should come from and run from the places that help?

x

LISTENING TO... Too late by Mr Hudson and the libaray

See... Youth Work is such hard work at times...

X

I've been thinking...

Over the last few weeks things have been kinda difficult... most of my friends have been away, ill or moving... and with the added family illnesses stuff, life hasn't been all that easy...

loneliness has ruled...

anger came to stay...

and

questions set in...

i am doing better now... it took having my head melted down and re-set with a few sharp words about my work that allowed me to recognise just how deep the hole i had dug had gotten again...

i fear it every  time... the darkness of the pit that sometimes we just do not realise we sit in until someone shines a light and makes us look at the walls we think are closing in on us

this isnt a pity party... my blog isnt meant to be, but i want to write about the reality of life. being a Christian isnt a free pass to the end... life is hard- plain and simple

without valleys we cant see the mountains... and all that...

in a resent meeting i had to read about how the church should be the foreground of setting the bar for honesty- that we should be a place where people feel that they can be honest, be truly themselves...

this also calls for us to be honest about where we are with God... to find space to explore our doubts, the book we read expressed how faith needs to have doubts, places where God can reach in and use these points to deep our relationship with him.

while my faith takes a battering- but i can never let go and not believe...

the reason i started this blog was because i wanted to say something on the title 'life is a journey... walk with me for a while'... i wanted to say that that journey continues regardless of who is or is not with me/i/us on the path... and while my path sometimes is alone i can still walk along it.

x

LISTENING TO-  Cemeteries Of London By coldplay

PRAYING FOR- a friend's dad

Just a quick one...

So its been a while since my last blog... but thought it was time to update...

It would seem lots and yet nothing has happened in the last month or two...

Uni is over

New job is on the horizon

New home is in progress (ish)

Friendships are changing

All of these stations make me think and re-think what i know and hold dear, uni is finished and it has been 6 years and two degree in the making... but i will take my first steps into the big wide world very soon...

My friendship group is changing... well moving, my uni friends are all being grown up and getting jobs and most take them further away than they were already... but i am sure new people and new adventures will still be cropping up in my life!

Congratulations to my two very good and amazingly fantastic friends Jenny and Ash on the wedding last weekend... it was an honour to do the address and have a fantastic time making people cry by talking about love muah ha ha!... but really it was a lovely day :D May you have the best marriage in the world... until its my turn of course! :P (and then we will be two happy happy couples!)

Right before i get caught up and late for work...

just a few pics to highlight my few weeks...

 

love to all you readers

x

LISTENING TO: Wake up Scarlet by Duke Special

Let the stress be gone!

So the events in my life the past few months has lead to a lot of lost sleep... aches and pains... but finally things have slowed down and i might at last be able to join the world again without having a melt down!

so the dissertation is done... nothing i can do now, but hope it is good enough... at the moment i am boarder line 2:2/2:1 so a good dissertation could be a good leg up, however like normal i dont have the faith within my writing ability  and looking back at what i wrote im not even sure what i was trying to say, but thats not really all that objective eh?!

I had an interview at the weekend... at it went well. I am now writing as a person who has a full time Youth Pastors post all ready for her come September! I am so honoured that i am able to stay where i am at the moment.. and even better without the uni work... Things are looking great... now its the home search... but that should be fun... its my first home, so anything bigger than the small room i have now is amazing!

So what have i been thinking about lately... as usual reflection normally engages with media in some form... and lately even more i have been thinking of how much music makes me feel so elated. and how these feelings are the same as when i sing in a church service... i am blessed enough to get to go to youth service which have amazing people who are play guitars and drums well, meaning i can just sing my wee heart out for God...

I went to see the Wombats last back holiday Monday... and loved it, singing along as usual and enjoying (the very sweaty) atmosphere...

it has made me wonder are the feelings the same and are both man made... one from God and one from me.. or both from God?

and i haven't quite come to a conclusion. I know that my faith is not based upon my emotion... or i would be doomed- i am able to hold fast to God no matter what i feel (even if at times its a thread).

Part of worship is to give back something to God who has provided so well for me (at all times)... singing my wee heart out FOR Him. so my motive for a good old sing shouldn't be to find a high when seeking to worship God. and yet i do... its a by-product.

If i go to a gig and ask God to be with me there, cant i meet him in my dancing and singing long there?

I don't see why not...

I guess i just need to be a little careful i don't just  seek the emotion to identify God...

x

LISTENING TO- The DJ's got a Gun by Robots in disguise

Avoidance for just a few moments...

So while i am deep in dissertation land... which i am loving and hating at the same time, i cant really spend time blogging... but i thought while i look for facts on animals for work tomorrow... when i will be Mrs Noah for the day... :) i would write up what i have been thinking about of late...

While there are a million and one things i have been thinking on... this is just one...

How amazing silence is...

Over the last few weeks i have been changing my location for study daily, this way i cant get distracted by being bored... this is the way my mind works so bear with that one!

And i found myself at the mall in bristol... after an hour and a half study it was lunch time so moved my study to Pizza hut... cheapish food and means i can still shut out most things!

Sat by myself i am able to continue to read, but i as i was eating and reading books they i did not own i stopped and took up a favourite hobby... people watching... the couple next to me faced each other, they were an older couple, i could work out if they were married... but it was clear that they were comfortable with each other... they silence told me.

It wasnt the kind of silence you have then you know someone should be saying something, there were just happy to share the space with each other... nothing amazing happened, no amazing acts of love declaration nor anything leading to a fight, just simple smiles...

Its funny, i only have this with very few people, the closest of my friends are able to sit with me for times when we dont need to say anything... normally i can be scanning my mind for some funny or witty line to say ...

i am learning more and more the value of silence, and look at just how much time i want to fill with noise, some would say it was distraction, but i just think its company...

I have been in two services lately where it has been a time for silence... and it has happened... either the person leading then tramps all over it with praying aloud... or the music kicks back in so fast you havent even had a change to smile towards God let alone hear anything...

My life is crazy at the moment... but i know that silence is something i need to grab a hold of again, that i need to take that time out and just simply be... to just simply listen...

Any yet that date for that to happen gets pushed back... further and further...

Makes we wonder what we choose to avoid and what we really need to do to stop pushing it back...

Maybe we need a new years resolution every month?

X

LISTENING TO- The ting tings- Local DJ

Why...

... is it that when its dark the light hurts?
... is there comfort in the darkness?
... do we have the expression... 'dig yourself out'?

Shut down mode....
again

x

I have learnt something new about me... again

So its been a heavy week... Oxford, meetings lectures and writing... all the craziness that is my life at the moment...

But its how i have acted and reacted that i have learnt something new about myself... 

I know i tend to paint my world as i see it and then expect it all to be the same.... and i have realised i do this with my friendships... But thats not to say i expect the person to stay the same, or that i want out friendship to remain static. But that how i have that friendship maybe changes and i just wasnt not aware that it was... and so i react and i dont like it.

Being the kind of person i am have i a few people in my life that i lean on and ask of them to help me keep my sanity... its that relation that has made me realise that i dont know how to change with the flow of life when the role is shifted... How to i learn to help the people of my life i lean on?

I dont think any of my relationships are one sided... but i need to learn how to help when my 'help' resources need it? How do i stop getting annoyed at the changes, and just be there? How do i stop the level of expectancy?

How do i make a balance happen?

Where do i find out how to help... when i cant help?!

I need to learn to look out more...

So here is my public apology... to one of of the closest friends of my life, i am sorry i can be a crapo friend... i will try harder lol and i love you!

x

LISTENING TO- Highness by Envy and other sins

I found this on another blog...

At the moment i am reflecting a lot about personhood/humanity/idenity and art... how do we express who we are... and what does God want to show us in these expressions?

It would seem to have something to do with worship...

Art is a reflection of humanity... and it is within that humanity that we find our relationship with God...

It can be as simple or as complex and that...

x

LISTENING TO- Duke Special, Quiet Revolutionaries

Time for something a little lighter...

LOVE THIS VIDEO
LOVE NOEL AND JULIAN
LOVE THIS SONG
why have i never seen this before the mighty boosh (s3) dvd?!
a-mazin...


And that is how i would be in a music video too... :P
x
LISTENING TO- Mint Royale- Blue Song

Friendship... how do we 'be' friends?!

I have been thinking about friendship lately, and what makes a friend a friend...

I am fast coming to a point in my life where things have a possibility got changing massively, I could be moving to anywhere God wishes... and while this is mega (and I never use that word!) exciting, it also could mean massive changes within my friendships and social groups.

While I know even if I do not move away, the group of friends I have built up from Uni really will be disbursing and life will be different dynamic with them.

But this has lead to reflect a lot of what I think friendship means and how that expectancy impacts my friends and social status.... Facebook has been in the news over the past year as one of the biggest ‘things’ of our lives, with millions and millions of pictures and many many many

people adding ‘friends’. I have wondered what does it mean?

Proverbs 12:25 Worry weighs a person down;

an encouraging word cheers a person up.

I personally love facebook, it allows me to panda to my hate for the phone call and still contact someone to say they are loved. It also pandas to my other rather negative elements of my life, my ego... that I have a whole page within a system all about me... I am allowed to tell everyone what I am doing... where I have been and who I have been with. And while I do that on here too, facebook also means my ‘friends’ have to know this information.

Proverbs 12:26 The godly give good advice to their friends;

the wicked lead them astray.

But our friendships just for the interaction? For the self affirmation of each other? I know that friendships shouldn’t be based upon the simple transaction of you do something for me and I do something for you... at church recently we had the discussion of what it meant to give gifts, and that to give something back straight away is almost to snub the original gift... to give is not to expect something back.

And something I/we need to learn over and over, in a world of new and now... don’t we expect the transaction? With that in mind, we can then be a friend to whomever we meet, without even talking to them. Without adding them to our mental facebook friend’s list, we can be a friend in a gesture.

I have a few friends at the moment who are working a lot out in their heads (aren’t we all really?!) and for them (and me) working out how to ‘be’ a friend is one of those things that seems to keep coming up.

Proverbs 12:27 Lazy people don’t even cook the game they catch,

but the diligent make use of everything they find

But maybe we need to fight against the ‘what can I get out of this mode’ consumerist model and ask ‘what can I do for you’? Is this an easy thing to move to? How do we know what we are doing this? Jesus is our example, and he modelled this all his ministry (and life)... being like Jesus is being a friend to all, even if we get the rough and bum deal out of it... that’s hard... but Jesus didn’t say it was easy.

X

LISTENING TO- Goldfrapp- Slide in

Proverbs 12:25-27 (New Living Translation)

Does anyone else wonder...?

So one of the great or not so great things about my life style and job choice is the fact day time TV can be an option to be watched... normally it all does my head in... but i won't get started on that today!

I just wondered if anyone else wanted to know what kind of gig does this (lovely) 'older' lady do?!

 

I don't care for poligrip, and I am hoping it for be some few years before i need to think about it. But this ad doesn't want me to pray for my teeth for fall out so i can have faith my new teeth won't fall out either... i want to know WHAT GIG DOES THIS GRANNY DO?!

I am hoping it starts with the grand words... LETS ROCK!

X

LISETENING TO- Butterflies and hurricanes by Muse

 

http://www.tellyads.com/show_movie_miss.php?filename=TA5040&advertiser=Poligrip

Things are looking up...!

Ok, so things in past week haven't been good... over thinking things does not help me and when I put my sanity into situations and wait for them to unveil themselves it is a dangerous place to play in.

But as i continue to trust that all things happen for the good of God's children, i will continue to keep up how things are working out.

It is strange what we will make ourselves think or do when we want something badly isn't it? Maybe strange is not the best word, because in fact i think it is human nature to want to make things happen to make us happy or fit the social norm, or just want things a certain way.

But is there a way of seeing this happening while you are doing and not just at the 'looking back' point?

My life over the past few weeks has been a series of times were i have thought i have felt things and wanted things, glossing over the facts of my life which did not fit into the 'delusion'.

Can we learn while it is still happening, or is it only when it is over that we can really learn from it?

I learnt this time... as soon as it was over, quite literally the very hour things settled i had the revelation and understood my actions, reactions and understood other peoples motives in my life... but not during.

x

LISTENING TO- The Wombats- Lost in the Post

Bear with me on this one...

So it is Monday afternoon and it is time I start sorting my head/life out...

Recently my posts have been about emotion and reactions to situations... and this one while I am hoping to clean out the corners of my thinking, will still be on the same line!

I have had a rubbish weekend... while I have had chance to see friends, reflect within a church dynamic and to spend time working in a job I love... inside my over thinking head has been working at hyper-drive speed. To the point that I wind myself up so much my heart races and I have a desire to pace...

I know that this is not anyone else's fault, however I do recognise these reactions are normally from an interaction with someone, or some situation.

I am sat here trying to work out quite how I do it, what sets me off and more importantly how do I stop or at least cope better?

Looking at what set me off this time it could be down to my mass ideology setting, or placing an expectancy on others which either was never expressed (so how can I expect anyone else to know what I am thinking and/expect) or not needed (placing people into how I think they should react or act with me... I know I can not dictate how people interact with life... but I wish I could!)

So if the issue is that I keep it in my head until I explore with fear and tears... it makes sense to seek to get it out before I get to that place...

easier said than done... this means I need to be more honest and open, someone has to listen to my ramble (when I know I don't make sense!) and the fact its likely person I really need to talk about it is busy... or unavailable... the person who started these reaction thoughts :S and a reason why I get to the situation I am in now 9and other times)

This morning I cried out in desperation at God, and I know everything begins and ends with God... but at times I just don't understand why things or happen, or worse I know why things are happening and I don't like it.

What do we do when we find ourselves just so angry you want to sulk?!

X

LISTENING TO- retirement by Kaiser Chiefs

Emotions again...

So two posts ago I spoke about how I was concerned how much I am ruled by emotion, and came to the conclusion that God can reveal more of him through our action and reactions.

But I have realised the last week that it isn't just my actions and reactions that concern me about my emotions...

This week I have been tired, dashing about to Cardiff, Oxford and Bristol have taken its toll on me on top of the normal dissertation, module and youth work worries and work load.

The impact of that is upon my relationships, I become ratty and an emotional mess (at time)... I recognise that this happens to the best of us, and we all need to know and learn how to handle things. The stresses of our lives can easily dictate what we are and who we become...

and it is this that annoys me, I don't like who I turn into... but I want to fight against this... but it is bigger than just making sure I smile at the right time (which is a cover/mask, which cant be good) but making sure I don't get to the point that I need to set the mask up in the first place...

The whole Sabbath thinking, of resting the 7th day, taking time out to rest with God. Our lives in  this culture mean 'on the go' is taken to the extreme... having a whole day to rest and simply 'be' with God seems like an impossible task...

But I'm not going to make excuses, but highlight that this is something we all should reach for, something we need to make happen, for our relationships with God and the people around us we need to claim the opportunities  to find that peace...

X

LISTENING TO- watching BBC iplayer

very tired... but still thinking

Well happy Valentine’s Day to all who happen to read this today...
And I hope that this commercialised day of cards, flowers and chocolate finds something meaningful to you.

At the moment in time I am in a daze... having just had 4 days of busyness... Cardiff, Oxford and Bristol tour of lectures is hard work and somewhat took the shine off what were good lectures... but you can’t have everything eh?! And so today was meant for a day of getting on with my dissertation... however I have managed to er... complete zero of my tasks other than cook potatoes for the group I have this evening. The tiredness set in and so nothing has been possible...

I have a habit of over thinking things or making things far bigger than they really are in reality...
It’s frustrating, I would love to let things go, or not worry about things, but it just doesn’t happen. I leave them with God after super gluing them to my hand... how can I expect God to give me the desires of my heart when I either don’t know what they are or I don’t trust enough to just leave alone and wait?

I am currently trying to up my bible reading; I want to be one of those amazingly blessed people who simply breathe out the word of God... and with God’s help and me reading more I want to make my life to be enriched with his word...

I knew that (somewhere) in the Psalms it is written that God may make our desires done...

Psalm 20:4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
And I found it looking up one of my favourite sites, biblegateway.com... but then I wanted to know what else did the bible say when it came to desire...

Psalm 73:25Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
Job 13:3But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God.
Romans 9:16It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.
Psalm 40:8I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

These are just for examples from well over 100 hits for desire... and while we can read on face value, I hold dear to the fact we must read in context (both of the writing in which it is placed, and the cultural context it was written).

These last four texts are about seeking God’s will, God’s desire in our lives. And in a way that is part of the core of the Christian faith, seeking and living the way God’s desires for us, not that we are to live boring lives, but to be liberated in the fact we can live in a way we were created and not be trapped by the natures that can weight us down so easily.

In the context then looking back at Psalm 20:4 it is a prayer over someone else, that God will look after the person is it being spoken over, that God will bless them and keep them, protect and strengthen.

The desires of my heart then should be in keeping with God’s will for my life... after all that is the best way for my life. I cannot just simply rest on what I want and think I need and then beg my ‘daddy’ for it till he gives in. I need to learn to how to seek His will and see what he has planned for me and ask that to be my desire.

I write this and it is nothing new to me, in fact it’s flipping hard. Living in this world full of living for the now and new, along with the expectancy of what you want is ‘rightfully’ yours... It is easy to grow to want that more and more.

And that is where I am, I don’t claim to have the answers for me or anyone else, but I do know and right now is the only thing I can hold onto is the fact the Creator God does want what is best for me... and while I have a paddy about not wanting to listen so I can run off to my own desires (although I know it will be damaging to me)... I can still keep the balance for knowing this.

Taken from http://bgmartjournal.blogspot.com/2006/09/art-cards.html

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LISTENING TO- Falling by TD Lind

Ps...
I need to thank God, while I am not all that happy about it, he is working in other people’s lives to make sure I am blessed and keep on track...

Emotion rules ok?

So for my 100th post I thought I would do a big sing and dance about how much I enough blogging and all that... However I have been thinking a lot about some things that have been happening in my life and so in my usual style I have gone for that instead.

Over the past few weeks I have realised I have said the following phrase...

‘I am ruled by my emotions’

I haven’t said this lightly, and I am normally hesitant is saying that statement... which also makes me wonder why. (Am I that scared of being honest and allowing myself to show how I feel when that is being honest with myself)

My life at the moment is stupidly busy, I have far too much happening and no space to put anything down quite yet. Which has meant I am tired and stressed at times and so everything becomes heightened... while I am someone who always wondered people reactions and my own, this becomes magnified 100 fold.

I have a tendency to hold on to everything someone can say and mull it over a little too much, I invent things that might not be there, or just enlarge the small details everyone else seems to just drop.

And while I can handle this most of the time, sit back and think sensibly about it all and usually drop it, what happens when I can’t? How does this affect my relationships? How does this affect my relationship with God?

Does my over thinking and allowing things to run and rule on my emotions help?

So I hit the internet this time...

“Feelings. Imagine living in a world without them. It would be like 'playing a trombone with a stuck slide”

“The Purpose of Feelings Feelings are an emotional barometer. They are an indicator of what is going on in our inner self or mind. For instance, if I lack peace, or feel guilty or anxious, my feelings are telling me that something is out of harmony and needs to be resolved.

Second, warm loving feelings keep us close to and feeling connected to the ones we love the most...and also to God. Emotions also put sparkle into life. People whose emotions are buried are not very dynamic.”

“God's Word says, "Surely you [God] desire truth in the inner parts," or as another translation puts it, "You deserve honesty from the heart; yes, utter sincerity and truthfulness. Oh, give me this wisdom.” (Psalm 51:6)

“It is essential that we cultivate a healthy emotional life so we will both act and feel the way God intended us to do.”

If God is a relationship God, and from my theology and understand He is, Jesus died for us to reunite us with God (our Father)... so if we are to be in relation... then that involves emotion. But God is good, wholesome and true, and so the only emotions from him must be good wholesome and true, it is out of these i/we should act and ‘be’. This isn’t to say we are sinful if we have anger but it’s how we react and act in it that must matter.

And if I am hurt, how do I react? What do my emotions tell me? If I am an ‘emotional’ person then I listening to them is so important... as a human and as a child of God.




Just sometimes it’s not easy to handle that feeling.... when it’s painful.

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LISETENING TO- (watching) fever pitch

One final word....

"Love. . .is a commitment of one imperfect person to another imperfect person regardless of how we feel"....... really?

Quotes from...
http://www.ncfliving.org/feelings1.php

So its febuary...

Yes its the time of year that a day comes and as a nation we all react...

• some love it and drive in whole heartedly


• some hate it and seem to become bitter


• some just dont care


• some just hide

Yes i am talking about valentines day... Feb 14th is fast coming upon us and the shops are stocked full of cards, chocolates and flowers along with what is claimed to be romantic in the shape of soft toys with the colour red on.

Now as a self confessed singleton, i will let you in into a secret, each year i wonder if the next valentines day will hold that 'special' someone for me, and each year comes and goes. Im not bitter or angry about this, although i have been in the past! But i have come to realise that like any other day of the year it is what you place on in yourself that matters. It isnt what is in the shops, nor on facebook that makes something loving or caring. Its up to the person to make that act of declaring love (or friendship) that makes its work.

The same with any other fesitval or ritual we hold, Christmas means Christmas to so many different ideals, and each year i seek something new in understanding Christ's birthday. Like wise Christians have communion, a symbolic act to remember Jesus' death and scarifice, well at least it is for me, and thats my point. It is what we do and how we interact what something that makes it matter and how it matters.

(Now i know there are somethings that stand that can not be changed, like the fact Christmas for Christians is about the birth of Jesus, and therefore while we might seek different understandings the fact it is the belief that Jesus was born remains the same)

so back to Valentines day... my point is that no matter how you feel about it, single or coupled up, it is what you make it like any other day of your life, like any other act you take part in.

So i am taking inspiration from my last three love hearts i ate today...

I plan to use this Valentines time to bless my angels, my friends...

Love to you all

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LISTENING TO-Where is home- Bloc Party

What an idiot!

"ARROGANT love rat ASHLEY COLE allegedly told one of his conquests: “I don’t need to wear a condom because Chelsea give us check-ups.” "

Ok so im not one who will normally take any notice of what the Sun newspaper has to say about the world... but i saw a link at the bottom of a msn convo and i had to read...

It would see that Ashley Cole aged 23 seems it ok to not use a condom while sleeping about...

I am shocked by this frame of mind... from when i was in school i have learnt that if you are sleeping with someone then to reduce the chances of a baby being made... or catching something the condoms are the best way to be safe.

So many people admire and look up to footballers in these generations, and have done for some time, if they are in the limelight more and more shouldnt they be reminded that they have a role model status... and with that they have a responsiblity to ensure what the are promoting is healthy...

in a world where more and more look at 'celebrity' for how to live our lives, when we have teen pregancies and sexual transmitted infection/deises are still at a high. We all have a reponsiblity to help each other...

In a role where I may influence young people, and as a Christian i wish to show God's love in my life... how i live my life is important because it effects all the people around me... youth worker, tesco worker, nurse, binman... we all have a social reasponsiblity to help the people around us... our culture is a mess... we need to help build up and affirm and where nesseary show example.

Ashley Cole like so many others chooses to 'sleep' around (according to the papers) is this a good enough example for himself and us? Let alone the stupidity to not act safely.

rant over...

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LISTENING TO- BBC eastenders iplayer

Yet more thinking...

So my last blog was ranty... and i am sure not many made it to the end...

and thats fine... i have in fact been thinking of deleting it... but at this moment it stays... for now anways!

So it has been playing on my mind of late, the whole different person with different people... and i am sure if i was to look back over the year of blogs this would have been meantioned long before this week...

On wednesday he guy who took us for our Pastral Theology leacture, highlighted the balance we walk... that in one role- maybe a aprofessional one we have one set of rules and guidelines that dictate how we act and react... and that our personal morals while in our mind at all time can only come out and in practice at the right setting... if they are conflicting i guess...

So this has made me wonder if the two situations... of behaving differently (albeit small outward differents at times) in social groups and how i could act if i was under an organisation that acted differently to how i would and i conformed...

Do i (and all of us) live under social rules dependant of who we are with? If this connected to my faith? Or in fact is it something that we do natureally to be a part of the grouping?

I dont see it a danger... indeed you would lose your job if you didnt comply with a job's ethical standing... but if we find these rules of friendships within a group... can they be changed... and can one person change them or is it a group dyanmic that owns them...

hmmm...

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LISTENING TO: begin again by space

So its time i put down what i am thinking...

I have gotten out of the general process of my random blogging... and so with a little encouragement here i will start again...
I ask all readers to remember this is just my thoughts and unless i name check anyone i am normally responsible for what has been writen... but i would like to also remind you that i am ready to be challenged and my mind to be changed... in fact please do, no one writes something for it to be forgot or not meant for a purpose... i want to speak aloud what i am thinking to then allow anyone else who comes across is to maybe give their point of view... i never wish to think alone... :)

so... what have i been thinking about?
apart from my disseration for uni... which no doubt i will come across at some point on here... many many other things... but for now i will just choose one topic...

I have been thinking a lot about how we engage with one another, how we make choices about out friendship groups and how we act when we are with other people... i have been questioning if i am the 'same' person in different groups of people...

the answer is simple in one way... yes i am... and i guess what i want to highlight is how different people bring out different sides of us... just like someone can rub you up the wrong way... we must have people to make us happy or interact in a different way... does this matter?

I have offten wondered if it does, as a Christian i have always felt i should have some level of similarity of who i am and how i behave with all the people around me. i am a child of God and therefore a witness of his love... and therefore my actions are representing that... but at the same time i am still different in the tiny details... hmmm...

maybe it is the the core of me that matters... my moral and ethical standing shouldnt change... or at least that is a part of my own moral standing that i provide the same standard of action in all situations... maybe this is why i am finding a clash, that in different situations i am unable to provide the same amount of ethical reaction and so i find myself question if i am being genuine?

this is no slur on my friendships groups, all of whom i love... or i wouldnt be within the groups... (its important to me i am honest... so if i wasnt with genuine friends then that would be a lie etc etc)...

the other part of this thought process was how being in a couple... being in a relationship makes us change according to the person we are with... now the reason i think i am reflecting on this out of obervations i have made... having never been in an offical relationship and couple status i am unable to know from personal experience the motives of why people act like they do...

i was thinking on how it seems the trend for couples to go out with other couples exclusivly... its in films, TV and i have many friends who seek to go out with other couples... now while there is an element of singledom wonderings here... its mostly out of not understanding it...

i have had suggestions that couples like to do things together (as in two or more pairs of couples) as then they dont need to worry about the any other feeling uncoupled... suggestions of couples go out and will not feel bad if they only talk to their other half cos then the other couple can talk together without worry... and the suggestion that its good to have the couplehood in common with another couple... so the girls can be girls and guys and be guys together in a 'safe' setting...

these are good ideas... and i certainly do not dismiss them... but i still dont get why the company of one person is not good enough... or at least it seems... maybe this is something i just wont get until the rare day i find myself off the shelf of singleness...

it really does make me ponder just how as human being we interact with each other and the motives... hmmm

i have gone on long enough... sorry to anyone who has made it this far!

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LISTENING TO: The Unshockable by Maximo Park

One of the best things of the summer in 2007...

2007 Hill House Camp Week 2-007...

The week when fruit, veg, and cans werent safe...

Oh the fun!

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