When did i get so cynical?

I have been thinking a lot about love lately... 

Well don't we all? I think love is the centre of our lives, everything is or needs to be connected to love...

The Christian faith is all about love, the bible speaks of God being love. The act of love from Jesus in his sacrifice for our recreated relationship with God. So many times the Christian faith has been misunderstood or misused to create and things that aren't of God, aren't of love. for this i pray we can continue to learn from these mistakes with God's help. 

Now i have spoken to some length about being single on here, for that i do not make an apology. Singleness is or should be just as valued a status as being married. And i continually strive to be happy with my single-ness, this is were i am at and i should be able to be happy with the situation and opportunities that are being created all around me all the time.

But i have wondered if my singleness is a long(er) term thing. The bible talks of our desires being made and fulfilled by God, and i one day desire to do the whole settle down and marriage thing... so i wait for God to sort that out.

So like most single people who wonder if 'love' or 'the one' is out there i have the radar of love on and guys become a top trump card of categories to see at what status do they have in my life. Friends or more?!

I understand this probably makes me sound like a complete fool and desperate, but i don't think i am. i think this male scanning process is something natural- we all want to be loved and part of that is finding someone to share that love with.

Lately my friends have been asking me the classic question of 'would i go out with someone who was not a Christian'. this isnt the place for me to start giving the rights and wrongs of Christian dating- indeed its a mine field of blurry vision in gray matter.

Im not going to go into that today... but i have questioned the friends to more situation. The idea that friends can become more than just friends to me does not fit with my dream of the knight in shining armor... but then does that really matter?

One friend is a romantic at heart, and i love her for it... but i do struggle with her ideal of from friendship more can happen. I ask myself where does the passion come from, where does the realisation that there is love more than just friends there? I understand the concept- but dont understand the process, how can a puddle grow into an ocean?!

Another friend of mine was stating its over for her and a guy as it has been too long as friends for it to really be anything more.

Is there a danger of 'the friends zone'? Or do you really marry your best friend?

Maybe i am clouded by 'desire' to be whisked off my feet by my prince?

Now i make these statements carefully, i am not saying to any guy who is already in my life that nothing could/would happen... but i do think i while my dreams of 'mr right' are created as they are it would be difficult to buck the trend of my heart- only God can change that one maybe?

I don't have the answers and in someways i won't, but then there is fun is working it out. and i do believe god will place someone in my life who is completely right for me... and till then i will wait (and try to be happy about it! lol)

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LISTENING TO- The Tears by RID

PRAYING FOR- my mum and dad

This weekend I am mostly sulking...

Age 25

Current Age 8 

you know what you get so fixed on an idea that when it doesnt happen or it doesnt happen they way you want it completely throws you?!

well at least i am still like this and now fear i will be like this for my whole adult life... although i do not remember doing it much as a child, so many i am making up for it (like i really need to eh?!)

friday saw a heavy day at work with meeting and face to face work more than normal and all week i had new friday was coming and was ready for it. then i had the oppotunity to go out after work for a wind down dance to then chillout on the saturday having made myself so tired the night before... however plans change and i was home by 1045 in the most stupid and rubbish mood...

so first... i am sorry i was such an annoying child sulking in a manner that just wasnt needed!

and secondly... i realised that while i dont like this action, how it makes me feel or how it makes others feel... its still part of me and that it is still part of my life with God.

today i had the chance to sit in and be normal in church... i wasnt working and had the chance to just listen. today was all about living under grace and not bound by law.

it was pointed out that God doesnt want to hit us over our head to make us do something, but rather wants us to want to do it... (much like many rom com plots) so then this becomes interesting... when i dont want to do something (as i am in a mood) then what happens to my relationship with God?

he becomes my comfort... he morns with me (even if  it really is over silly things) im not say that just because i want to do something that God is in that, i could want to punch someone in the face but i doubt God is in that. But what i am saying is that in my moods, my fits of sulk, i want to invite God there too...

God is a God of grace, fills the gaps even though we will never ever deserve it... this god then is with me whatever...

When i dont want to talk to God he is still there... i am learning more and more that while i toss my arms about he just waits...

i want to know him more, i want to be more like him.

X

LISTENING TO- Duncan Lloyd- nightfly

How things change...

So at the moment life its a little different...

In fact it will probably never be the same ever again...

New life...

This coming Saturday  I have been asked to give the 'talk' at a local Youth Service... which i am looking forward to in a kinda 'oh my' kinda way. But it is a great way of keeping my grounded... the more i have to think and reflect on things that are outside of my head the better....

I have been given the topic of 'life'... the idea came from the new term and new life in Christ thinking...

And i am realising right now this minute i am two steps over the edge of the new life i have now...

My new job is great... being part of a community and serving, using my skills to continue what is happening and thinking about starting new projects and adventures.

However i say two steps off the edge as this new start i can never return from or start again... My father is in hospital, and is dying. It is unlikely he will make it to Christmas, and daily is becoming less and less like himself...

My new life will have someone missing and my relationships will change as a part of thing.

My dad is safe and secure in his faith, and strongly believes he knows what will happen once he has died... the bible talks of the security we have in Christ, and i can see this in action more than ever right now.

Neither of us are scared of death... which is something so many people it would seem are and fight so hard against. I could rant about so much more on this but i will leave it for now...

I want to keep on track with thinking about life... New life...

When we are born we have life, some would believe its part of one continuous cycle, as one dies another is brought into being. Others, like myself, would say a new life, a whole new person, a fresh being.

But it doesnt just stop there does it?

New life doesnt just start at the minute you were born into this world, while it does, isn't there countless more times we start again, we begin a new chapter. Some are chosen, and some just happen...

But this brings a challenge of what do we do with this new starts. These new lives we have... what does it mean? What can be the impacts?

The list could be endless of the positive or negatives... but doesnt it bring a sense of freedom? Certainly in the Christian faith you begin within the Freedom of Christ when you start your journey.

Looking at what it means with what will happen to me soon... i will start again a new chapter with no earthly father... is this a kind of freedom? Not to say i wish my dad dead, nor say i am trapped within parental concerns. But that this freedom is me standing on my own feet... i HAVE to grow up a little more. I will still be the silly little girl who seeks attention at all times... but that the responsibility of my father for me now rests on my own shoulders and not his.

As i look to prepare my talk for Saturday i will be looking at the new and asking what does it mean? what do we lose and what does that change?

I dont want to give the answers... i want to help to seek to explore...

May God help me

x

LISTENING TO- Bloc Party- Like eating glass

The field of many I just have one thought right now...

Lots is happening... and will return to write what that is later...

But all i wonder right now is why at a time love seems to be needed to most do i fight so hard to only want it from where it should come from and run from the places that help?

x

LISTENING TO... Too late by Mr Hudson and the libaray

See... Youth Work is such hard work at times...

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