I don't need your responce...

I've found myself at that point again when I just have to question what's going on and how I can once more dig out of the hole I have seemed to put myself into...

I don't want a responce, I can't make that any clearer: I just simply need to get out what's happening in my head in a constuctive form. I don't need anyone to ask me about this nor do I want to talk about it, I will talk to the friends I need when I am able to conjure the words without choking...

I've been thrown into thinking about loneiness once more... Yes I am single, and yes I am happy to wait: as long as I do get a happy ending my heart us settled with.

But with this comes the loneiness, the loneiness I realise I've had follow me like a gray cloud all my life. The loneiness that has lead me into stupid and difficult emotional situations I care never to repeat.

The loneiness that at times crates bitterness and anger, jealousy and fustration.

I know this isn't me and yet it consumes me...

I want it all to stop and I know the answer doesn't simply lie with another person, it's bigger than that. It would be a false to place the responsiblity onto a person and expect them to be perfect and able to carry my load...

I know I can't simply seek to replace one problem with another, just putting a plaster over a gapeing wound doesnt make it any better...

So how do I get to this point of ok-ness... The realisation that the balance in a relationship can now be entered?

When does the loneiness go without the burden or pressure?

X

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I like smiling me...

Yes, as the title says... I like to smile.

I like the effect on myself and the person I send the flash of teeth to, be it a stranger, a shop assisstant, a close friend or someone in the next car.

I don't smile to gain reward, just to spead happiness and a mini bit of love-the glimpes if God's love I hope.

But these smiles seem to be getting me into trouble. And not, I add quickly, the flirty guy trouble you might think!

This trouble seems to be the betrayal of how I am really feeling, my smiles have become a mask: one I never intended. Yes, at times my smiles have been a coping thing. But it seems everyone reads them at 'face value'.

My issue is how am I really feeling?! Which is the honest answer? Is there a mask or am I ok?

It's not that I don't know how I am feeling, it's just my reaction to the fact not many other people seem to know.

Right now my personal life is pretty rubbish, but I have to take it in my stride, or I know it would tip my over the edge if sanity (thus the smiles etc). But this has lead to many people in my life thinking I'm fine, when at times I'm really not...

So how do I express/share/show what's going on without the outbrust or sudden death tears?! My smiles aren't a cover: but I know they now build a wall of fakery I never intented... When I smile I do mean it- but how do I smile along WITH the sadness in my heart, for the death I know is coming soon to my family?

X

Listening to: muse, the resistance.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

can't touch this...

so i do well for gigs... of course i am fortunate enough to get to buy tickets to go to quite a few over the year...

but i get my fair share of won tickets too...

the most resent Mr Hudson iTunes in London, was a great gig.  Massive fan of Mr Hudson for a few years now and it is good to see him get more recognition for the amazing talent he clearly has.

but this gig showed me something i hadnt noticed... the obsession with touch...

im not talking about the far i was deep in a crowd, i mean the witness to a 'need' to touch the famous.

Mr Hudson's support was Kid British, a new band who i was quite impressed with. especially their own version of madness 'our house'. it seemed i was almost crushed as one of the band came down to the no mans land between stage and crowd. the rush of the people who all wanted to get just that little bit closer to the singer, hands grabbing at anything they could find...

after the heat calmed down from the mad surge, we started to get excited for Mr Hudson's soon to be performance... and sure enough he came on and clearly gave all he could. As he sang with Kanye West (his special guest) Mr Hudson jumps down into that no mans land and while the pushing wasnt as bad, there was a raising up of hands all clutching and grabbing at the air around this famous person...

 

his singing wasnt affected and so i didnt really know what was happening other than i couldnt see... i wasnt till i looked at the official pictures i saw the head hugging only 8ft away from me.

but i dont get it... whats with the NEED to touch, grab and feel the famous... i now think back to Maximo Park and the massive annoyance of a young guy who i can only describe as obsessively arm flailing and air punching each time Paul Smith came remotely near us... again trying to touch...

I am reminded of the story of Jesus in a crowd with the woman touched him, who was then healed... she had it in her mind 'if i just touch him i will be well'... is it this we try to grab hold of today? while i know no one would claim famous people have any special powers, what do we think we can gain by touching a stranger?

x

Listening to: TV- the bill, dad's choice not mine....

Faith by music... again...

So this month has been a 'gigtastic' month as it has been named...

I will blog picture, reviews and indeed who i have seen once i have uploaded all the photos etc...

but for now... here are my reflections...

this is were i need to confess... only when you get to the only side you quite realise what was happening...

my faith has and is and i am sure will be a massive part of my life...

however due to somethings happening i have been suffering a lot with feeling rubbish and generally and at a cost, my faith took a battering...

i am slowly rebuilding myself, not by myself... this brick by brick remold is God's work...

But i cant help but laugh at quite what happened...

each time i actively engage with anything i try to ask God from him to reveal something within what is happening... and it works, countless times i have met with God.

(please note that this is MY experience and is based upon my faith, while i recognise i can leave myself wide open for your views and if you think they is or isnt a God/god. for me there is... that is where faith comes in. you cant disprove faith. im not claiming to have anything sorted or to even tell you what to believe, but i want to share my experience for anyone to read and reflect the impacts upon their own life. this blog is called 'walk with me' for that simple reason, i dont ask you to fight, chase or even agree, but just to simple walk and i will happily listen to my company as you listen and engage with me)

in my anger i often find my tears. a frustrating part of my life, i cry at most things... ask anyone one who knows me well to know this.

most of the times i can hide in the mask (we all have) and carry on with life. life on your own gives you chance to think about these things- and lately i just havent had a chance to ignore things....

i have blogged many a time on how words stir me, they give me something to own . im not someone who writes easily, someone who can create great sentence structure (as you can tell)... but i do find the beauty in listening to others... and no more so than in lyrics.

and this is where the laughing comes back...

in one night, one song highlighted massive issue and another saved me from it....

i have been wondering around (in my head) like a little lost lamb unsure what to do with how i was feeling or how to act/react to what was going wrong, something no one knew about...

then, during a karaoke session with the usual suspects in my life i found myself asking 'im i losing my faith' REM was the song that made we question this oh so much...

yes i know this is a stereotype so i will not hold onto that... but i found myself really asking, have i lost it all? have i lost the one thing i thought i had held steadfast. and furthermore what do i do? who do i speak to?!

then an hour later i see my friend singing, another friend holding onto me and i realise that no matter what i am doing, no matter who i think i have become or how much a fear things.... i am not alone. when the words....

'ill stand by you'

were uttered into my ear and deep into my soul.

yes, i found my faith again in girls aloud... a disappointing but true fact.

and now i seek His face once again in the everyday, in the normal, in the voice of others and in His word...

its not always easy, but even with your eyes closed you cant stop who is standing next to you....

x

Listening to: Mr Hudson: Picture of you.

 

 

Addition:

while i have struggled with my faith, i dont doubt God. it is this that allows me to continue to live, work and do everything else in my life.... God is a constant... not me. the better way round.

i really do believe it is within the doubt we really see more of God...

lyrics...

Last night I saw the Rumblestrips at the Thekla... The support band were so young!... I am getting more and more used to the fact the amount of people younger than me grows each day.

But want I noticed was the lack of lyrics at times... Nah nah nah and woooo ahhhh... I found myself getting fustrated by this...

I love the engagement of songs, to hear peoples takes on their world. While, at a guess, most songs are based on love and relationships... Peoples ideas and ideals are always different...

So what do we do with the lyrics we soak up?

Agreement?
Challenged?
Enlightened?
Desire to want or own for ourselves?

What we do with what we take in reflects the impact, it gadges our reactions...

I am trying to see if there is a song that comes unstuck at this thought...if there is a song who's lyrics doesn't reflect and or challenge... Even Barbie girl makes you wonder what is fake and real in this life... Even if it is on a some what shallow level!

I have babbled enough...

I should make sure I use my words carefully...

X

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