new blog...

I'm thinking of setting myself another year challenge...

A little while ago I took a picture of myself, one a day and then made a short film.

I'd like to think I see the lighter side of the day, but could a point out something everyday for a year that was good? Easy on a good day, but what about those days that are rubbish- when I'm low and I don't care to share?!

Well... Let's try it- I'm going to take this challenge, but need to look at the format. Blogging on my phone doesn't include pictures and Twitter/facebook are too casual to keep this record directly.

Once the funeral and I'm back to work I'll get on how and what shape this challenge will take...

X

Watching: might boosh series one: Charlie.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

the only words I seem to know are only sounds...

I write blogs for a few reasons but tonight it's to share how I feel and maybe give hope to anyone is a similar situation who may stumble across this ramble...

Today my dad died

For the last 5/6 years we have spent our time thinking most days could be the last, making plans and putting them on hold and in the end watching the human being who gave me life be reduced to a shell.

I say this without bitterness or even resentment. I believe whatever happens God has a bigger plan than I'll ever comprehend... I say it in observation as I cooly and calmly bring myself to understand the man who gave me my wit and sense of humour is no long here, I no longer have the hero to be a side kick to in the comdey due of the house.

It's been tough for my family to come to terms with what's been happening. Many will plead the case it was unfair for my dad to have spent such a long time (for want if a better word) dying. And to die at such a relativly young age of 60. And I don't know- of course I would love him to be here, to still laugh with and try to solve the worlds problems in one of our late Friday evening chats, and I cetainly never want anyone to go through what he did...

But our lives are in chapters, some we think will continue how we want and others are changed and are altered...

I can never pretend to know everything, but I know that there is safety in not knowing. I can't fool myself with falseness or blind myself to truth. But I do know this...

My dad will be missed by many
My dad is now no longer suffering
My dad was secure in his faith and didn't fear death
My dad will leave his mark on this earth that will continue for many many years to come

And

My dad is my dad and I am proud of him for his whole life esp these last few years.

X

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Can't we talk?

In my last blog I put up Mr Hudson's latest single 'White Lies' with the challenge to myself to think on it...

I don't want to look at the writer or to say I have a difinitive answer from these lyrics... But just to look at the challenge that if I lay claim to sing along and use these words myself- what am I saying?

For we there are two elements which come from this song...

Is it ever justified to lie?

And

Are we doing the right thing when we change our behaviour to better a relationship?

I could write hundreds of words exploring the rights and wrongs of answers to these questions- but I'm not to voice of reason for anyone else but me.

So for one of the few times i'm not going to say much more... But to leave those questions hanging in the air as the song continues to play in your ears...

X

Watching: Hancock on DVD (not bad do far)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

White Lies from Mr Hudson Video...

With my love of music and lyrics i often have the conversation in my head...
what does it mean?
what does it mean to sing it?

This isnt ever for one song... but with a new single i thought i'd ask again of Mr [Ben] Hudson's song White Lies and ask a few questions... here is the video... i will blog later on where ive gotten to on my wonderings...

Mr Hudson - White Lies from MrHudson on Vimeo.

x

I don't need your responce...

I've found myself at that point again when I just have to question what's going on and how I can once more dig out of the hole I have seemed to put myself into...

I don't want a responce, I can't make that any clearer: I just simply need to get out what's happening in my head in a constuctive form. I don't need anyone to ask me about this nor do I want to talk about it, I will talk to the friends I need when I am able to conjure the words without choking...

I've been thrown into thinking about loneiness once more... Yes I am single, and yes I am happy to wait: as long as I do get a happy ending my heart us settled with.

But with this comes the loneiness, the loneiness I realise I've had follow me like a gray cloud all my life. The loneiness that has lead me into stupid and difficult emotional situations I care never to repeat.

The loneiness that at times crates bitterness and anger, jealousy and fustration.

I know this isn't me and yet it consumes me...

I want it all to stop and I know the answer doesn't simply lie with another person, it's bigger than that. It would be a false to place the responsiblity onto a person and expect them to be perfect and able to carry my load...

I know I can't simply seek to replace one problem with another, just putting a plaster over a gapeing wound doesnt make it any better...

So how do I get to this point of ok-ness... The realisation that the balance in a relationship can now be entered?

When does the loneiness go without the burden or pressure?

X

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]