I've been thinking...

Over the last few weeks things have been kinda difficult... most of my friends have been away, ill or moving... and with the added family illnesses stuff, life hasn't been all that easy...

loneliness has ruled...

anger came to stay...

and

questions set in...

i am doing better now... it took having my head melted down and re-set with a few sharp words about my work that allowed me to recognise just how deep the hole i had dug had gotten again...

i fear it every  time... the darkness of the pit that sometimes we just do not realise we sit in until someone shines a light and makes us look at the walls we think are closing in on us

this isnt a pity party... my blog isnt meant to be, but i want to write about the reality of life. being a Christian isnt a free pass to the end... life is hard- plain and simple

without valleys we cant see the mountains... and all that...

in a resent meeting i had to read about how the church should be the foreground of setting the bar for honesty- that we should be a place where people feel that they can be honest, be truly themselves...

this also calls for us to be honest about where we are with God... to find space to explore our doubts, the book we read expressed how faith needs to have doubts, places where God can reach in and use these points to deep our relationship with him.

while my faith takes a battering- but i can never let go and not believe...

the reason i started this blog was because i wanted to say something on the title 'life is a journey... walk with me for a while'... i wanted to say that that journey continues regardless of who is or is not with me/i/us on the path... and while my path sometimes is alone i can still walk along it.

x

LISTENING TO-  Cemeteries Of London By coldplay

PRAYING FOR- a friend's dad

Just a quick one...

So its been a while since my last blog... but thought it was time to update...

It would seem lots and yet nothing has happened in the last month or two...

Uni is over

New job is on the horizon

New home is in progress (ish)

Friendships are changing

All of these stations make me think and re-think what i know and hold dear, uni is finished and it has been 6 years and two degree in the making... but i will take my first steps into the big wide world very soon...

My friendship group is changing... well moving, my uni friends are all being grown up and getting jobs and most take them further away than they were already... but i am sure new people and new adventures will still be cropping up in my life!

Congratulations to my two very good and amazingly fantastic friends Jenny and Ash on the wedding last weekend... it was an honour to do the address and have a fantastic time making people cry by talking about love muah ha ha!... but really it was a lovely day :D May you have the best marriage in the world... until its my turn of course! :P (and then we will be two happy happy couples!)

Right before i get caught up and late for work...

just a few pics to highlight my few weeks...

 

love to all you readers

x

LISTENING TO: Wake up Scarlet by Duke Special

Let the stress be gone!

So the events in my life the past few months has lead to a lot of lost sleep... aches and pains... but finally things have slowed down and i might at last be able to join the world again without having a melt down!

so the dissertation is done... nothing i can do now, but hope it is good enough... at the moment i am boarder line 2:2/2:1 so a good dissertation could be a good leg up, however like normal i dont have the faith within my writing ability  and looking back at what i wrote im not even sure what i was trying to say, but thats not really all that objective eh?!

I had an interview at the weekend... at it went well. I am now writing as a person who has a full time Youth Pastors post all ready for her come September! I am so honoured that i am able to stay where i am at the moment.. and even better without the uni work... Things are looking great... now its the home search... but that should be fun... its my first home, so anything bigger than the small room i have now is amazing!

So what have i been thinking about lately... as usual reflection normally engages with media in some form... and lately even more i have been thinking of how much music makes me feel so elated. and how these feelings are the same as when i sing in a church service... i am blessed enough to get to go to youth service which have amazing people who are play guitars and drums well, meaning i can just sing my wee heart out for God...

I went to see the Wombats last back holiday Monday... and loved it, singing along as usual and enjoying (the very sweaty) atmosphere...

it has made me wonder are the feelings the same and are both man made... one from God and one from me.. or both from God?

and i haven't quite come to a conclusion. I know that my faith is not based upon my emotion... or i would be doomed- i am able to hold fast to God no matter what i feel (even if at times its a thread).

Part of worship is to give back something to God who has provided so well for me (at all times)... singing my wee heart out FOR Him. so my motive for a good old sing shouldn't be to find a high when seeking to worship God. and yet i do... its a by-product.

If i go to a gig and ask God to be with me there, cant i meet him in my dancing and singing long there?

I don't see why not...

I guess i just need to be a little careful i don't just  seek the emotion to identify God...

x

LISTENING TO- The DJ's got a Gun by Robots in disguise

Avoidance for just a few moments...

So while i am deep in dissertation land... which i am loving and hating at the same time, i cant really spend time blogging... but i thought while i look for facts on animals for work tomorrow... when i will be Mrs Noah for the day... :) i would write up what i have been thinking about of late...

While there are a million and one things i have been thinking on... this is just one...

How amazing silence is...

Over the last few weeks i have been changing my location for study daily, this way i cant get distracted by being bored... this is the way my mind works so bear with that one!

And i found myself at the mall in bristol... after an hour and a half study it was lunch time so moved my study to Pizza hut... cheapish food and means i can still shut out most things!

Sat by myself i am able to continue to read, but i as i was eating and reading books they i did not own i stopped and took up a favourite hobby... people watching... the couple next to me faced each other, they were an older couple, i could work out if they were married... but it was clear that they were comfortable with each other... they silence told me.

It wasnt the kind of silence you have then you know someone should be saying something, there were just happy to share the space with each other... nothing amazing happened, no amazing acts of love declaration nor anything leading to a fight, just simple smiles...

Its funny, i only have this with very few people, the closest of my friends are able to sit with me for times when we dont need to say anything... normally i can be scanning my mind for some funny or witty line to say ...

i am learning more and more the value of silence, and look at just how much time i want to fill with noise, some would say it was distraction, but i just think its company...

I have been in two services lately where it has been a time for silence... and it has happened... either the person leading then tramps all over it with praying aloud... or the music kicks back in so fast you havent even had a change to smile towards God let alone hear anything...

My life is crazy at the moment... but i know that silence is something i need to grab a hold of again, that i need to take that time out and just simply be... to just simply listen...

Any yet that date for that to happen gets pushed back... further and further...

Makes we wonder what we choose to avoid and what we really need to do to stop pushing it back...

Maybe we need a new years resolution every month?

X

LISTENING TO- The ting tings- Local DJ

Why...

... is it that when its dark the light hurts?
... is there comfort in the darkness?
... do we have the expression... 'dig yourself out'?

Shut down mode....
again

x