SO I used a blog a lot...
I used to tweet a lot more...
I used to share a lot more photos...
Things have changed.
My life is now shared with someone else through marriage. Sharing my world is now our world. That, and realising how annoyed I was getting from other's over-sharing has meant I do a lot less- at least internet wise.
I don't think the world of social media and being ingrained into our lives has finished taking root yet. It is still evolving, technology, culture and generations are still growing into it. I do think things will change, develop and become norm- but from my perspective we are still playing on the surface and the reality of what we are doing, the effects and the aftermath isn't seen yet.
What I keep coming back to is the 'why?'
Why do I want to share *this*?
Why do I feel a need to share *that*?
Why is it important the whole world (yes the world!) should see/know *this*?
Lets face it, singledom is pretty lonely at times, lone youth worker is lonely at times and being an only child is lonely at times. Blogging became a way of writing out what was in my head. It was more that wanting to write a diary- that is personal and no one tends to read that. A blog had a chance for others to read, even that was a comfort. So I'd blog for the chance of dialog.
I have a fine line between extrovert and introvert in me- I like the right kind of attention but I need my time out too. Blogging was a form of attention. I could witter on and stare at the stats in a hope someone would click and read.
So why am I back? Or at least why am I going on and on, on here one more time?!
Quite a while ago I told myself to not but leading or mysterious tweets or updates, no teases for attention or outbursts of personal life that I shouldn't share with everyone. But today I broke that rule, its been years in fact since I've been vague online and it lead me back to here.
It was a need to explain myself in hidden meanings, subtext and nothingness rather than either talking about it to my husband or friends is silly, meaningless and actually less helpful that I'd like to think.
My tweet:
…totally had a revelation! #duh!
It about two friendships that have changed massively over the last 10 years and I struggle to make sense of what has happened. The revelation is that they have changed and become who they are today: YAY. But that isn't with me or their old life: BOO.
I am not going to go into their life, our friendship or even any further than I already have. This blog isn't really about them, or that. Its about the fact we have a drive in the world wide web to seek our 15 mins of fame. Our life and culture has made it even more possible to try and carve out that public back patting, applause.
The cost is over sharing, showing people they don't need to even want to know more and more about oneself. Even fame within our friendship group can be a drive that isn't healthy. Facebook has created a strange new friendship- friends who would be long gone, ones whose chapter with us is well and truly closed but now they are still there, we are still in each others lives (if you use Facebook regularly that is!). We now put up photos, comments, likes and updates so the fame we have with the 50 people who will see it scales up.
But none of use have the right to fame, what we want is validation. Proof we are 'okay', loved and worthy of the life we have. What we need is to get these from people who matter, not strangers. The family and friends who will be honest and tell us when we are amazing and will show us when we aren't- but then help us out of the hole rather than point laugh and remove any chance of getting out of it.
I want to come back to blogging but I don't want to feed the wrong stuff. We all have an ego after all!
In true exploratory writing style I've no doubt gone on and one with no real clue, proof or conclusion. To do so would mean I have it all sorted, HA!
One thing I will do though... talk to someone else about this- start a real life dialog, wait and LISTEN to a reply and explore the answer together, privately.
:D x
Friday, July 18, 2014
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I have my independence... now...
I had a meeting this morning with my fantastic line manager. We are always so productive in our meetings but its not without personality or the highs and lows of emotion (mostly mine i'll admit). We have a fine balance and i look forward to our weekly catch ups.
This week we had a longer catch up than normal, mostly as there were a few extra things to be done. Not always bad as we did get to a cafe today for my diet coke top up.
One topic of conversation was the expression from some parents within the church i work for of how their teen wasn't happy on a Sunday morning, in fact getting them to church was a task of difficulty.
It is hard as a youth worker not to take it personally, or at least its hard for me until I have actually made myself look at the facts and stare at the whys of the situation that i realise its (hopefully) unlikely to be a personal dislike. It is a relational role, this are personal!
But in the cold hard light of reality, reflection and good conversation things are clearer.
I know that church is an institution that has created many battles issues and pain both on a national scale and also right in the hearts of individuals. But i still believe its the future. This doesn't make things any easier as a 12 year old growing up within a culture that seems to have no place for faith, community or the awareness of others. (yes i AM making sweeping statements that need to be tidied up and explained but thats not for now and i mean no harm to anyone in or out of the Christian faith)
I am a massive fan of understanding the development of the person from childhood to teenage to adulthood. Nothing is more exciting for a parent of a baby to watch it take their first steps or talk clearly. For me its the same with teenagers.
The honour of watching them grow into independence, to develop their own world understanding and start to see (and question) who they are and define the 'me' rather than the family identity they have had (and will have to a lesser degree).
But how hard is that when you still have your parents telling you you must attend a group that at this moment in time you just don't like or agree with.
I believe church is an important and valued part of life- a place to explore meaning, to understand the world around us and to seek love in the purest form.
But as a teenager you want to start making claims for independence. You want to be able to choose what you engage with. And i complete agree with this. Its hard for parents, the role you had for the last 11/12 years is now changing and id guess most aren't ready for that. (Can you ever be prepared to allow the person you have cared for, loved and kepis safe wander a little further away than you are used to?!)
The drive then for a parent to share their faith, want their child to grow into a balanced adult and desire for the best of is a powerful one. One that then clashes with the teenage drive for being, thinking and choosing to do things differently- in essence rebel.
What i have been reflecting on is even if a youth person wants to know more of the Christian faith, wants to continue to seek to know more of church community they fact their parents 'make' them go is likely to be a negative.
I haven't a clue how you change this- in fact i don't think you can or even should. We all remember those moments when we felt we were, for the first time, ourselves and not just a child anymore... it normally came with a plea of rebellious.
I guess my role then is to listen. To offer the opportunity to say what is wrong, why their parents are wrong and explore what we can do even if they don't want to be somewhere.
After all, isn't the best party the one you didn't want to go to but end up having a fantastic and unexpected time and staying to the end?
Time to get back to planning...
x
This week we had a longer catch up than normal, mostly as there were a few extra things to be done. Not always bad as we did get to a cafe today for my diet coke top up.
One topic of conversation was the expression from some parents within the church i work for of how their teen wasn't happy on a Sunday morning, in fact getting them to church was a task of difficulty.
It is hard as a youth worker not to take it personally, or at least its hard for me until I have actually made myself look at the facts and stare at the whys of the situation that i realise its (hopefully) unlikely to be a personal dislike. It is a relational role, this are personal!
But in the cold hard light of reality, reflection and good conversation things are clearer.
I know that church is an institution that has created many battles issues and pain both on a national scale and also right in the hearts of individuals. But i still believe its the future. This doesn't make things any easier as a 12 year old growing up within a culture that seems to have no place for faith, community or the awareness of others. (yes i AM making sweeping statements that need to be tidied up and explained but thats not for now and i mean no harm to anyone in or out of the Christian faith)I am a massive fan of understanding the development of the person from childhood to teenage to adulthood. Nothing is more exciting for a parent of a baby to watch it take their first steps or talk clearly. For me its the same with teenagers.
The honour of watching them grow into independence, to develop their own world understanding and start to see (and question) who they are and define the 'me' rather than the family identity they have had (and will have to a lesser degree).
But how hard is that when you still have your parents telling you you must attend a group that at this moment in time you just don't like or agree with.
I believe church is an important and valued part of life- a place to explore meaning, to understand the world around us and to seek love in the purest form.
But as a teenager you want to start making claims for independence. You want to be able to choose what you engage with. And i complete agree with this. Its hard for parents, the role you had for the last 11/12 years is now changing and id guess most aren't ready for that. (Can you ever be prepared to allow the person you have cared for, loved and kepis safe wander a little further away than you are used to?!)
The drive then for a parent to share their faith, want their child to grow into a balanced adult and desire for the best of is a powerful one. One that then clashes with the teenage drive for being, thinking and choosing to do things differently- in essence rebel.
What i have been reflecting on is even if a youth person wants to know more of the Christian faith, wants to continue to seek to know more of church community they fact their parents 'make' them go is likely to be a negative.
I haven't a clue how you change this- in fact i don't think you can or even should. We all remember those moments when we felt we were, for the first time, ourselves and not just a child anymore... it normally came with a plea of rebellious.
I guess my role then is to listen. To offer the opportunity to say what is wrong, why their parents are wrong and explore what we can do even if they don't want to be somewhere.
After all, isn't the best party the one you didn't want to go to but end up having a fantastic and unexpected time and staying to the end?
Time to get back to planning...
x
Monday, January 23, 2012
I'm not going to promise but...
The face of someone who thinks she wants to return
I am back! Again...
Part of my new(ish) job is to help in a songwriting group. I admit this isn't my core skills or even remotely at my finger tips but it's fun and an honour to be a part of it all the same.
Last week we had the challenge of starting new songs. We've been working on covers for a while now.
I dawned on me I haven't a clue how I would start writing a song, so we explored this together. The youth are amazing and honest with what they thing. I tried to inspire with a mind map, no clue it it helped, we'll see with that one.
But it got me pondering about my blogging. The only words based creative outlet I have or at least did have. I haven't really blogged for well over a year... but I realised as we were looking at the different possible topics of inspiration for song writing how I wanted to join in. Not necessaryly songs, but to write a reaction to 'something'
So, I am back again but I'm not going to make promises I'll be blogging daily, weekly or even monthly. But I'm going to give it a go, come back to this form of engagement and see how far I get!
life is a journey, walk with me for a while!
x
Part of my new(ish) job is to help in a songwriting group. I admit this isn't my core skills or even remotely at my finger tips but it's fun and an honour to be a part of it all the same.
Last week we had the challenge of starting new songs. We've been working on covers for a while now.
I dawned on me I haven't a clue how I would start writing a song, so we explored this together. The youth are amazing and honest with what they thing. I tried to inspire with a mind map, no clue it it helped, we'll see with that one.
But it got me pondering about my blogging. The only words based creative outlet I have or at least did have. I haven't really blogged for well over a year... but I realised as we were looking at the different possible topics of inspiration for song writing how I wanted to join in. Not necessaryly songs, but to write a reaction to 'something'
So, I am back again but I'm not going to make promises I'll be blogging daily, weekly or even monthly. But I'm going to give it a go, come back to this form of engagement and see how far I get!
life is a journey, walk with me for a while!
x
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Why i should check my twitter feed more...
Well my whole life has changed... from Town to City, from Business to Calm and from suitcases to a flat...
I have been massively blessed in all i have experienced in the last 3 months...
However my social networking has slid into the sidelines... oh no! (please note my sarcasm!)
But I haven't been as regular reader of my Twitter feed as i used to be... apart from missing the news of celebrity deaths i also missed a great opportunity to get creative.
an old friend @noahsapprentice has been asking for images for a #gb11 (Greenbelt 2011) and #iMass on the theme for the weekend 'dreams of home'...
Sadly I've missed this request until now and today is the last day in buildings before i get down to the site to set up and as steward there...
So here is my small effort with this picture...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Your help please...
ok... this is the current plan of action...
start to move out of my home at the start of June... not a bad plan, but thee are a few hitches. I don't have a home to move into rather just bunking down with friends who have spare beds. I also need to keep working... life continues
so... with stress levels reaching melting point with far too much on my plate I look to my social networking skills to see what you can suggest I need to remember not to put into storage.
clearly I need clothes... but it's the silly things like work stuff and everyday use that you take for granted I want to avoid missing...
so... comment, tweet, text, emaill and message your suggestions please!
look forward to hearing what you can come up with!
thank you
x
start to move out of my home at the start of June... not a bad plan, but thee are a few hitches. I don't have a home to move into rather just bunking down with friends who have spare beds. I also need to keep working... life continues
so... with stress levels reaching melting point with far too much on my plate I look to my social networking skills to see what you can suggest I need to remember not to put into storage.
clearly I need clothes... but it's the silly things like work stuff and everyday use that you take for granted I want to avoid missing...
so... comment, tweet, text, emaill and message your suggestions please!
look forward to hearing what you can come up with!
thank you
x
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I need to be honest...
This past week I feel like my heart has been broken over and over...
Over bad news in letters
Over empty emails
Over text
Over silence
What grieves me the most is that all these 'heart breaking' things are all within my own world... not anyone else's.
How I have grown to feel after a series of knock backs and rejects in this last week has created a self-centred person. I dislike who it's creates in me.
I simply write this it find accountability to myself in a public declaration.
I'm hurt, alone, and frustrated.
I don't know if I have the answers, but I trust they will be given to me when I need them
x
Over bad news in letters
Over empty emails
Over text
Over silence
What grieves me the most is that all these 'heart breaking' things are all within my own world... not anyone else's.
How I have grown to feel after a series of knock backs and rejects in this last week has created a self-centred person. I dislike who it's creates in me.
I simply write this it find accountability to myself in a public declaration.
I'm hurt, alone, and frustrated.
I don't know if I have the answers, but I trust they will be given to me when I need them
x
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Totally struggling to know what to say...
But I know I need to do something productive...
But this productive streak is simply avoidance. It requires me to be patient, it needs me to wait and it drives me to want to be a little crazy...
What I find hardest is not really sharing what is happening. I have nothing to hide, but what is going on right is part of my private life.
And so my ramble starts to take shape...
I'm starting to look for a new job... This by itself is a little scary, but I'm not worried about that... But it has highlighted something about what I want to address as I leave one chapter of my life and start another.
The difference between my personal and private life...
As a single woman with very little family work takes over... I hope this is a normal thing, but even more so when your job is your calling. But this comes at a cost, my status as a single woman with very little family does not change.
And so while I have a pretty much blank sheet for my new start... I do want to find a between balance... I want to say 'I want a life'. But that makes it sound like I don't like what I have now... I do, I'm thankful for all I do, have experienced and learnt.
But how do I DO that?!
If I am called to serve somewhere then the balance of my personal and professional life be dictated by that calling... And there is my answer... If I am CALLED then the balance will be there, this is were faith comes in... And the stakes raise in the worry factor, which becomes a silly cycle of frustration, control, recognition and obedience.
So... My journey continues and I pray my faith grows along with it.
And I hit enter on a blog entry that has provided with a distractions from something little bit more removed from what I have rambled on about for a few moments...
x
But this productive streak is simply avoidance. It requires me to be patient, it needs me to wait and it drives me to want to be a little crazy...
What I find hardest is not really sharing what is happening. I have nothing to hide, but what is going on right is part of my private life.
And so my ramble starts to take shape...
I'm starting to look for a new job... This by itself is a little scary, but I'm not worried about that... But it has highlighted something about what I want to address as I leave one chapter of my life and start another.
The difference between my personal and private life...
As a single woman with very little family work takes over... I hope this is a normal thing, but even more so when your job is your calling. But this comes at a cost, my status as a single woman with very little family does not change.
And so while I have a pretty much blank sheet for my new start... I do want to find a between balance... I want to say 'I want a life'. But that makes it sound like I don't like what I have now... I do, I'm thankful for all I do, have experienced and learnt.
But how do I DO that?!
If I am called to serve somewhere then the balance of my personal and professional life be dictated by that calling... And there is my answer... If I am CALLED then the balance will be there, this is were faith comes in... And the stakes raise in the worry factor, which becomes a silly cycle of frustration, control, recognition and obedience.
So... My journey continues and I pray my faith grows along with it.
And I hit enter on a blog entry that has provided with a distractions from something little bit more removed from what I have rambled on about for a few moments...
x
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Something to chew over...
it's interesting... there has been some concern over something that seems to affirm my faith.
Derren Brown's miracles for sale was on the tv a few evenings ago... in summary he highlighted the damaging, controlling and fraudulent actions of people who say they can heal in the name of God.
Derren Brown's miracles for sale was on the tv a few evenings ago... in summary he highlighted the damaging, controlling and fraudulent actions of people who say they can heal in the name of God.
There are two things that seem to be
going on...
going on...
How Derren went about proving the fraud
and
The fact that these actions of fraud could have created an avenue for people to have a faith in God... of course when you invest in something that then is revealed as a fake then it's
only logical the faith could be destroyed.
only logical the faith could be destroyed.
From my point of view all the TV program showed me was that when God heals, performs miracles, it's Him. Not the hype, not a person shouting, waving their hands or doing anything else. It's God.
I have been in healing services and heard from street teams healing on the go and I can honestly say hand of heart and faith rooted deep that these are NOT part of the same wave of fraud and manipulation that has been happening over the sea in America.
I need to declare that I believe I have been healed. It was from this experience that I can honestly say, know and understand from both side of the believe and unbelievingly side of the fence.
I admit, before last summer I have heard of healings but had a level of scepticism.
My witness of healing services are nothing like the ones we saw on TV with Derren. The impact upon simply asking God to come and not demand is one of grace and amazement. Witnessing the call of recognising a healing is no person in the room but God is an honour. But biggest of all, feeling the difference of God's power on me physically without the hype... the shouting, demands and trickery of mind suggestion.
My witness of healing services are nothing like the ones we saw on TV with Derren. The impact upon simply asking God to come and not demand is one of grace and amazement. Witnessing the call of recognising a healing is no person in the room but God is an honour. But biggest of all, feeling the difference of God's power on me physically without the hype... the shouting, demands and trickery of mind suggestion.
These all lead me to see that the Derren show calls us into action and recognition that we are not God, but we are his people...
There is a call to see that to follow God is not a place of self worship, praise or gain.
There is a call to see that our place is to simply come and trust in our loving God.
There is a call to see that anyone who is abusing God's name, taking advantage of the sick and creating opportunities for selfish gain and take a stand, to put right the injustice... TO TURN OVER THE TABLES OF THE MONEY CHANGERS IN THE TEMPLE.
Derren's TV show has shown one modern day abuse of Gods temple... and now we should help others to see it's a humans fault and not God's.
Once again God can heal and man can destroy...
x
listening to: Joubert Singers- stand on the word.
Derren's TV show has shown one modern day abuse of Gods temple... and now we should help others to see it's a humans fault and not God's.
Once again God can heal and man can destroy...
x
listening to: Joubert Singers- stand on the word.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Honestly…
I’ve been quiet on here because there are many things happening I can’t quite make public, some have been great and exciting while others not so great and just plain difficult…
And while i am still unable to share the many things happening with the world wide web i can give you my reflections i have had as a consequence.
What i am thinking more and more on is honesty.
A principle i hold so close to my heart. Ironically i can not be honest on here as there are elements in my life that needs to remain quiet for now! But I plague myself quite a lot if i feel i haven't been honest enough, what i mean i guess if i have held something back when i should have said it… But then on the other hand i also am careful with what i do say so not to offend or to put out an other.
Today someone made me cry because they were honest. They told me something i didn't want to hear and it upset me. It wasn’t a criticism and they were not being rude to me. They needed to be straight about a situation and as a result it hurt me.
I value their honesty, i would have hated to be lied to in that situation… but it hurts.
The truth hurts… but we can not and should not shy away from it…
There are whole dynamics in our lives that we choose to fight to remain separate or secret. There is information we know on others that we shouldn’t. There are parts of us we hold no accountability to others for.
But when should the truth be told? Even if it comes at a cost?
The hurt from today’s conversation will pass and by Thursday i will be fine… but right here right now… the sucker punch hurts, a lot. Its never easy to be the person to hear difficult truth, but also to give it would seem.
To know you will hurt someone is hard. Something we would all shy away from I would hope. But then there is a cost of cover up, deceit and just plain lies.
The cost of honesty, truth seeking and listening to what you are being told as well as what you are saying is massive. Something that needs to be built, maybe we would be so fearful if we knew it was how everyone else sort to behave?
The film ‘The Invention of Lying’ shows a picture of everyone being massively rude and horribly blunt because they aren’t lying. I’m not sure a world with honesty would be that harsh… but may our yes be yes and our no be no.
x
Listening to Muse: knights of cydonia
Monday, February 14, 2011
How to learn a lesson in 5 quick minutes...
'Oh dear'
This is my current state of mind as I lay on my bed reflecting on the day that just was...
The oh dear moment comes from turning around from a very sorry state of affairs mostly grounded in sulking and self pity to recognising that things are ok, that love rules no matter what sort and that just because things are how I 'want' them it doesn't make the now any less valuable.
Yes this is indeed another 'single girl writes about the valentines day blues' blog. But I hope that by getting to the end I don't fall into the repetitive trap of selfishness.
Two weeks ago my little sister Em reminded me our tradition of being loving and generous to each other on valentines day.
(right here and now I need to publicly apologise to her for sulking over this years valentines and not really wanting to enter into the spirit we normally take of friendship and jollity)
But with my feet dragging I agreed to send a card... With my rule, tacky as possible. It was my hope that I'll see the lighter side and not dwell on my normal mode of singleness.
Sure enough the flump sound of post was heard this morning and when I got downstairs sure enough my card of love waited me. Emma is a beautiful friend and I'm forever proud of her. Her card was lovely and very typically us. (Thank you em).
I'm a romantic at heart... I love love, to hear of others love for a partner melts my heart. And each valentines I try so hard to be happy for those who celebrate their romance. I normally do just fine in this challenge, but this year, today, I've struggled.
To the point I've been home alone (nothing new) sulking, over eating and wishing the day away for most of the evening. The tricky balance of being annoyed at the days theme and then being annoyed at being unjustifiably annoyed.
And I saw and sort after no way of getting out of this mode until I read a friend's blog. Keith is a wonderful guy, he has a great depth of knowledge he doesn't recognise most of the time. But he sprinkles my twitter feed with his faith, life and thoughts most days. For which I am thankful for.
He blogged that value of love, the requirement of valentines desire for mushy teddy bears and red hearts is far from what we need or even desire if we are honest. The love in friendship is so important...
Keith's twitter to blog link
So in 5 minutes, holding my phone with a blog post open and my card in the other hand I see what a fool I've been. Yes I do indeed have a heavy heart about wanting things to be different. But this selfish sulk stops me truly loving what I have.
I know that the chance of my never falling into this trap again is very very small, but I can pray and hope that I will not self indulge for too long, not consume so much food and that I do not stop seeing the love that surrounds me for too long.
I thank God for Emma and I thank God for Keith.
And ok maybe at some point I'll thank Him for Valentines...
X
Listening to: Chocolate by Snow Patrol (live at the apple store).
This is my current state of mind as I lay on my bed reflecting on the day that just was...
The oh dear moment comes from turning around from a very sorry state of affairs mostly grounded in sulking and self pity to recognising that things are ok, that love rules no matter what sort and that just because things are how I 'want' them it doesn't make the now any less valuable.
Yes this is indeed another 'single girl writes about the valentines day blues' blog. But I hope that by getting to the end I don't fall into the repetitive trap of selfishness.
Two weeks ago my little sister Em reminded me our tradition of being loving and generous to each other on valentines day.
(right here and now I need to publicly apologise to her for sulking over this years valentines and not really wanting to enter into the spirit we normally take of friendship and jollity)
But with my feet dragging I agreed to send a card... With my rule, tacky as possible. It was my hope that I'll see the lighter side and not dwell on my normal mode of singleness.
Sure enough the flump sound of post was heard this morning and when I got downstairs sure enough my card of love waited me. Emma is a beautiful friend and I'm forever proud of her. Her card was lovely and very typically us. (Thank you em).
I'm a romantic at heart... I love love, to hear of others love for a partner melts my heart. And each valentines I try so hard to be happy for those who celebrate their romance. I normally do just fine in this challenge, but this year, today, I've struggled.
To the point I've been home alone (nothing new) sulking, over eating and wishing the day away for most of the evening. The tricky balance of being annoyed at the days theme and then being annoyed at being unjustifiably annoyed.
And I saw and sort after no way of getting out of this mode until I read a friend's blog. Keith is a wonderful guy, he has a great depth of knowledge he doesn't recognise most of the time. But he sprinkles my twitter feed with his faith, life and thoughts most days. For which I am thankful for.
He blogged that value of love, the requirement of valentines desire for mushy teddy bears and red hearts is far from what we need or even desire if we are honest. The love in friendship is so important...
Keith's twitter to blog link
So in 5 minutes, holding my phone with a blog post open and my card in the other hand I see what a fool I've been. Yes I do indeed have a heavy heart about wanting things to be different. But this selfish sulk stops me truly loving what I have.
I know that the chance of my never falling into this trap again is very very small, but I can pray and hope that I will not self indulge for too long, not consume so much food and that I do not stop seeing the love that surrounds me for too long.
I thank God for Emma and I thank God for Keith.
And ok maybe at some point I'll thank Him for Valentines...
X
Listening to: Chocolate by Snow Patrol (live at the apple store).
Friday, November 05, 2010
Before I sleep... it's tweet...
I have come to recognise I tweet a lot... probably not at much as I used to... unless watching tv by myself...
I think some may assume I'm on facebook a lot as my twitter feed runs into facebook. However it's more of a case I'm on twitter longer and that lasts a mere few minutes.
So... I understand the many uses and reasons other use twitter. But I guess I feel it's important I establish for myself way I probably spend 30/40 minutes total a day taping around my twitter app.
Accountability
My original idea and reason for facebook status' and the tweets was to form a little accountability to whoever would read it. if I could share it for whatever reason then maybe I either shouldn't say it or even be involved with whatever the content was. I still hold to this, like most people what I think doesn't always line up with what I do or say... so it helps for me to engage with an external source.
Reality
I'm not naive to think my engagement via social network is a good and healthy way to form or grow friends. But it does provide a small way of keeping in touch with things outside my personal world and head space.
Culture
It fascinates me just how social media has changed the communication of news. Twitter especially provides an avenue for current happenings and points of view. Allowing me to see what others think or what they have found out with topics I am passionate about or introducing me to the new.
Step out.
There are times when I simply feel I need to be more constructive with what I'm thinking about. To then shoot out an short 140 characters means I need to firm up a thought or let go. Either way I move on.
These four motives mean I may write tweets for different reasons. Some are silly and others reflective. But either way it's not the be all and end all but just a start... an small engagement upon the skimming surface of my mind.
You are welcome to read, question and of course comment... A journey should never be totally alone.
x
I think some may assume I'm on facebook a lot as my twitter feed runs into facebook. However it's more of a case I'm on twitter longer and that lasts a mere few minutes.
So... I understand the many uses and reasons other use twitter. But I guess I feel it's important I establish for myself way I probably spend 30/40 minutes total a day taping around my twitter app.
Accountability
My original idea and reason for facebook status' and the tweets was to form a little accountability to whoever would read it. if I could share it for whatever reason then maybe I either shouldn't say it or even be involved with whatever the content was. I still hold to this, like most people what I think doesn't always line up with what I do or say... so it helps for me to engage with an external source.
Reality
I'm not naive to think my engagement via social network is a good and healthy way to form or grow friends. But it does provide a small way of keeping in touch with things outside my personal world and head space.
Culture
It fascinates me just how social media has changed the communication of news. Twitter especially provides an avenue for current happenings and points of view. Allowing me to see what others think or what they have found out with topics I am passionate about or introducing me to the new.
Step out.
There are times when I simply feel I need to be more constructive with what I'm thinking about. To then shoot out an short 140 characters means I need to firm up a thought or let go. Either way I move on.
These four motives mean I may write tweets for different reasons. Some are silly and others reflective. But either way it's not the be all and end all but just a start... an small engagement upon the skimming surface of my mind.
You are welcome to read, question and of course comment... A journey should never be totally alone.
x
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The thin line...
Jesus said to keep forgiving but he also said don't be a door mat. The writer of most New testament Paul points out we have a duty to help others learn from their mistakes.
At work we try and show grace (rather than punishment, acceptance) however this has led to action. Some of the young people have taken advantage of this and so a cycle of no or little learning has been put in an unhelpful motion.
So we are down to zero tolerance of bad behaviour. Forgiveness now comes at a price. It did before, just we took it rather than paying it out.
But this has pushed itself to my own life.
I get pretty hurt, mostly from my own expectations upon others not being fulfilled... This mostly comes down to my naive heart wishing for people to behave towards me how I to them.
When someone wrongs you, especially not knowing it, what should our reaction be? Forgiveness. But what if you don't/can't/won't? Because I don't say anything nothing changes, nothing stops, nothing moves on.
So then a place of sharing and learning is created... But this place is dangerous. It becomes a place of open wounds. Feelings are involved and you leave security.
The scary thing is just how thin the line is we walk between the lie and truth... How much either side if not dealt with carefully and with wisdom it becomes so dangerous, so distorting and so destructive for all involved.
When is the right time to just let things pass, let go and forgive. And when is it right to stand up and deal out what has been happening... With the possible punishment/consequence. And of course with that I hope forgiveness...
I don't know if we can ever know this wisdom fully by ourselves, but my real fear what I destroy if I take the action I know I should.
X
At work we try and show grace (rather than punishment, acceptance) however this has led to action. Some of the young people have taken advantage of this and so a cycle of no or little learning has been put in an unhelpful motion.
So we are down to zero tolerance of bad behaviour. Forgiveness now comes at a price. It did before, just we took it rather than paying it out.
But this has pushed itself to my own life.
I get pretty hurt, mostly from my own expectations upon others not being fulfilled... This mostly comes down to my naive heart wishing for people to behave towards me how I to them.
When someone wrongs you, especially not knowing it, what should our reaction be? Forgiveness. But what if you don't/can't/won't? Because I don't say anything nothing changes, nothing stops, nothing moves on.
So then a place of sharing and learning is created... But this place is dangerous. It becomes a place of open wounds. Feelings are involved and you leave security.
The scary thing is just how thin the line is we walk between the lie and truth... How much either side if not dealt with carefully and with wisdom it becomes so dangerous, so distorting and so destructive for all involved.
When is the right time to just let things pass, let go and forgive. And when is it right to stand up and deal out what has been happening... With the possible punishment/consequence. And of course with that I hope forgiveness...
I don't know if we can ever know this wisdom fully by ourselves, but my real fear what I destroy if I take the action I know I should.
X
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Norman...
struggling to sleep do blog it is!
walking home from a meeting I had a text from the mum to say Norman Wisdom had died.
very sad, but at 95 years it's not the most unexpected thing to happen. but no matter the age it's still hard, and you'll always miss them.
however Normans passing has lead me down a path of thinking I was hoping to avoid sharing, but I want to... more of a process than a make do thing.
it was the first anniversary of my dads death 4 days ago. apart from a brief meeting in the morning I spent most of the day just relaxing and watching some tv. I just wanted to 'be' and with very little choice as many others were busy. (but a massive heart felt love to those who brought me comfort during the day!)
with Norman dying today I can't help but reflect on what it means to lose someone so pivotal in your life... no matter how long your relationship is, how good or bad it is or even if there is no relationship... the loss of a father is one that holds so much.
a dads role differs from a mothers (both equally important) but holds so much responsibly for who you are, how you see the world and indeed how the world sees you.
it's stuck me tonight that no matter if your father lives to be 100 and you get to 75 before you are divided or if you never even meet them, the hold they leave can never be replaced.
so I write this reminding myself not to expect to fill that gap with another father figure, but also not to simple wish to step over it all and forget the hole that's left. but to respect the man he was and who he created in me. to allow the void to heal and to carry the wound with pride and remembrance...
we should all allow the fact our parents will die to be part of our life no matter when it happens to be a part of our life... there is a place to greave, celebrate and to grow on...
I miss him tremendously, and that will never go, but this doesn't stop me continuing to be his daughter is the life today and tomorrow...
x
listening to: foy vance, be with me.
walking home from a meeting I had a text from the mum to say Norman Wisdom had died.
very sad, but at 95 years it's not the most unexpected thing to happen. but no matter the age it's still hard, and you'll always miss them.
however Normans passing has lead me down a path of thinking I was hoping to avoid sharing, but I want to... more of a process than a make do thing.
it was the first anniversary of my dads death 4 days ago. apart from a brief meeting in the morning I spent most of the day just relaxing and watching some tv. I just wanted to 'be' and with very little choice as many others were busy. (but a massive heart felt love to those who brought me comfort during the day!)
with Norman dying today I can't help but reflect on what it means to lose someone so pivotal in your life... no matter how long your relationship is, how good or bad it is or even if there is no relationship... the loss of a father is one that holds so much.
a dads role differs from a mothers (both equally important) but holds so much responsibly for who you are, how you see the world and indeed how the world sees you.
it's stuck me tonight that no matter if your father lives to be 100 and you get to 75 before you are divided or if you never even meet them, the hold they leave can never be replaced.
so I write this reminding myself not to expect to fill that gap with another father figure, but also not to simple wish to step over it all and forget the hole that's left. but to respect the man he was and who he created in me. to allow the void to heal and to carry the wound with pride and remembrance...
we should all allow the fact our parents will die to be part of our life no matter when it happens to be a part of our life... there is a place to greave, celebrate and to grow on...
I miss him tremendously, and that will never go, but this doesn't stop me continuing to be his daughter is the life today and tomorrow...
x
listening to: foy vance, be with me.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Who is my neighbour?…
We have been in our house for 3 months now… kinda scary how the time just fades away, but our time here is going very well, this is home…
last weekend i needed to mow the lawn, but i really didn’t feel like
As i was fighting with the lawn mower in the front garden i saw one of my neighbours walk past, he slowed now and so, being a polite lady i stopped the machine and walked a little close to him to say hi…
our conversation wasn’t particularity deep, mostly about university, study and holidays… but it was nice to have a little chat.
after he left i realised just how rough i was looking… hair pulled back and looking massively greasy, no make up and rocking the tired look oh so well, just to top that i had the red shiny glow of an unfit person actually working…
While i was cringing inside of the mess he must have witnessed i pondered upon just how he didn’t react, this being said i doubt many would point out the grossness of my Saturday afternoon look, but he gave no concern at all… was nice to not feel judged…
Then i realised this is what it means to be a turn neighbour- not one that ignores how rough someone looks, but now i was totally honest in how i looked- being a neighbour holds that total honesty.
now of course by neighbour i do not mean the street you live in, but the friends, people and world around…
to be a good neighbour is to have a the mask removed and to be genuinely honest with all who you engage with.
Easier said than done at times i know, but one that makes the world so much better never the less…
x
Listening to: Daniel Beddingfield- he dont live you like i love you
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Who do i want to be…
Today i was asked a question that has made me think once again about who i am and who i want to be…
As a woman i think its in built to always think about who i am… to ponder about my self esteem and if it is in line with reality.
I am unsure if this is a good dynamic of a personality, but one i have and one i know many other women have.
But this leads me to what happened earlier…
Someone asked if i could do something… or at least think about the possibility of doing something… This isn’t the place to explore the answer to that question, i am sure there will be time on that one later.
but for now the surprise, the why i was asked… i was given this description: female, passionate, heart to see women become superb and willing to see the kingdom built.
these were things suggested that i have displayed…
i see these things in me and i freely admit that i wish to have more of this,(apart from the female thing as i am already pretty good at that factor) but i don't think i have ever had anyone tell me that they at least seek cracks of these light from me.
this isn't to say i have such a low self value that i fail to see anything others or even God sees in me, but that i just never saw or believed it before (yes there is a difference in those two statements of observation!) Its like walking past a picture on a wall you have walked past for months, you saw it once, maybe even looked at it a few times, but after a while it just becomes the wall and you no longer recognise it for the value or beauty it has.
at times in my life i see myself as others see me… most of the time this is a distorted and twisted view that has been corrupted by my own second guessing. but sometimes, just a few times i get a sneaky peek and what they really see and i am surprised.
So what do i take from this?
i realise from my understanding of individual and spiritual development we need to recognise who we are in how we are mirrored in the relationships we are placed in. (How we see ourselves through other’s eyes).
This then means i need to work on my development of seeing what others see, not allowing my own template to dictate or to allow judgement on either side to lead. But to realise the value the other has.
and of course what God sees…
x
Listening to: By the time by Mika
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I’m back!
Miss me?!
Probably not 
I write as at times i have plenty to say and no way of saying it… and so here are my words in a vain hope to be active in some form of moving on or developing my own thought.
Write a diary you may suggest… but i must have taken my fair share of trees in the amount of blank books i’ve started and then failed to fill… I just need a simple outlet with no restrictions to hand ache or spelling.
I guess there is a small part that hopes someone reads this at some point, again for not validation but just that what i write here is what i would say to someone who was sat next to me and willing to engage into a conversation to whatever my wander little mind has goes…
My life style, work and social are fair mixed which leaves me alone for a lot of odd times, i don’t mind but conversation is lacking at times. My exploration of me, the world, faith, youth work, media and many other topics then get a little crowded in my head to the point scrambling them down for others to stumble upon them makes sense.
So, after a break off I am back to witter on on many things happening…
Thanks for reading if you have gotten thing far!
x
Listening to: Mint Royal- Blue
Thursday, June 03, 2010
hmmm...
I miss blogging...
I move soon and hoping to get the Internet at home... then I'll return!
x
I move soon and hoping to get the Internet at home... then I'll return!
x
Friday, March 05, 2010
Sat in my car...
... And I'm just listening to music which I love so much...
Saw Mika in Bristol tonight... At a gig of course and sadly not just an over coffee chat...
He was very good, clearly lives to be the entertainer and has a very good stage production team...
But something happened to me that normally is reserved for a 'meaningful' song or powerful tune...
The tears of awe and wonder...
But the difference was it was at the start, and wasn't anything to do with what I was listening to
During the support I was fairly bored, he was good but I was ready for mika entertainment and mika he was not... So my mind wondered and I started to think of how the angels praise God...
The bible talks of singing and harps... But this was in the context of singing and harps... Guitars and pianos weren't around then... So started to wonder if in heaven God is being praised by amazing bands with every possible skill and harmonic bliss...
Then I sat, waited and the show as had paid to watch began... After the acted introduction came the first song and I found the stiring I normally keep a hold of till we are in full gig swing. As the lights blazed around the room, lighting each face present and being a full presents of the music we heard it was very clear... This is a glimpes of heaven... The tears fell more than normal, and I knew once more God honnoured me was this blessing...
No mika is not god, no the song that was playing wasn't for god nor were the people there to praise Him... But I saw just for those few seconds how big and amazing it will be... More than we can ever write, experience or expect... Better than the best...
Heaven is a band, there to bring the best praise possible...
X
Saw Mika in Bristol tonight... At a gig of course and sadly not just an over coffee chat...
He was very good, clearly lives to be the entertainer and has a very good stage production team...
But something happened to me that normally is reserved for a 'meaningful' song or powerful tune...
The tears of awe and wonder...
But the difference was it was at the start, and wasn't anything to do with what I was listening to
During the support I was fairly bored, he was good but I was ready for mika entertainment and mika he was not... So my mind wondered and I started to think of how the angels praise God...
The bible talks of singing and harps... But this was in the context of singing and harps... Guitars and pianos weren't around then... So started to wonder if in heaven God is being praised by amazing bands with every possible skill and harmonic bliss...
Then I sat, waited and the show as had paid to watch began... After the acted introduction came the first song and I found the stiring I normally keep a hold of till we are in full gig swing. As the lights blazed around the room, lighting each face present and being a full presents of the music we heard it was very clear... This is a glimpes of heaven... The tears fell more than normal, and I knew once more God honnoured me was this blessing...
No mika is not god, no the song that was playing wasn't for god nor were the people there to praise Him... But I saw just for those few seconds how big and amazing it will be... More than we can ever write, experience or expect... Better than the best...
Heaven is a band, there to bring the best praise possible...
X
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
You again...
After a lovely evening with friends combining my favorite things of food music and hosting, I get home with a bitter taste in my mouth...
My company was fabulous and my food was great but there is a guy...
It normally is right?!
I do fine without him, go weeks without seeing him and then... Then without any effort I turn into a little jealous school girl.
I'm not sure I even like him... Certainly not effort to be worthy of concern. But the conversations we've had seemed good, indepth and enjoyable. But these stopped very quickly and now it feels like a big void...
I don't mind moving on, some friendships do. But it's the looks and glances that I see... Makes it difficult to understand.
Human emotion is so complicated at times... Or is it just a case that we hold the answers we just over think and complicate with clouds of ponderment...
No matter what, the moment has passed and now I need to box up and move on...
X
Watching: Spaced
My company was fabulous and my food was great but there is a guy...
It normally is right?!
I do fine without him, go weeks without seeing him and then... Then without any effort I turn into a little jealous school girl.
I'm not sure I even like him... Certainly not effort to be worthy of concern. But the conversations we've had seemed good, indepth and enjoyable. But these stopped very quickly and now it feels like a big void...
I don't mind moving on, some friendships do. But it's the looks and glances that I see... Makes it difficult to understand.
Human emotion is so complicated at times... Or is it just a case that we hold the answers we just over think and complicate with clouds of ponderment...
No matter what, the moment has passed and now I need to box up and move on...
X
Watching: Spaced
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The day the spilts the westen world...
Tomorrows seeing 14th of feburary and another valentines day...
We witness the great divide of the couples and the singletons. The paired up try to create new romantic memories, while those without a partner try and be happy even if it's genuine or not...
This is where I confess is the landmark time I wonder what the next year holds for me when it comes to my own love life. Each year I find myself single, and that's not an issue... But like new years, birthdays and every other landmark in our calendar it's a time to take stock. To look back at what's gone and wonder what's to come.
I always wonder when I get to the next 14th day of the second month if I might at least have a boyfriend to plot sending lovehearts to... So far the wonders haven't gotten me far. And that's ok, I'm happy to leave it in Gods hands... No matter how fustrating I might get.
I've been trying to work out how much effort a single Christian should put in when thinking about settling down...
Now I start from the understanding a Christian looking to date is a Christian looking for the long term marriage thing (yes that scary commitment requirement!) But how active should a Christian be to find the 'one'?
The Christian faith requires exactly that... Faith, that trust, the understanding and calm to know it's in Gods hands. We are created with free will, created with creativity and created with the skills to assess what to do in each situation... But that doesn't mean we don't need the guidance or wisdom God imparts, I know I would be lost without it.
So can we activily make those massive decisions or should we wait for God to reveal himself and his plans? Should Christians go for the dating help or simply wait?
When serving God is top of the list what else or who else should you need? With this perspective finding a husband isn't as important.. Yes loneliness is rubbish and our culture says the being single is a negative... But God creates the bigger picture. With that looking for a date isn't the most important thing... No matter if it's a struggle the trust in God becomes even more imporant.
I'm not sure if I made my thoughts clear or if I'm right in my ponderings... But I know even if I'd love to find my own love I should and am happy to meet another valentines day single... And will simply ask and wait on God.
X
Filming watching
We witness the great divide of the couples and the singletons. The paired up try to create new romantic memories, while those without a partner try and be happy even if it's genuine or not...
This is where I confess is the landmark time I wonder what the next year holds for me when it comes to my own love life. Each year I find myself single, and that's not an issue... But like new years, birthdays and every other landmark in our calendar it's a time to take stock. To look back at what's gone and wonder what's to come.
I always wonder when I get to the next 14th day of the second month if I might at least have a boyfriend to plot sending lovehearts to... So far the wonders haven't gotten me far. And that's ok, I'm happy to leave it in Gods hands... No matter how fustrating I might get.
I've been trying to work out how much effort a single Christian should put in when thinking about settling down...
Now I start from the understanding a Christian looking to date is a Christian looking for the long term marriage thing (yes that scary commitment requirement!) But how active should a Christian be to find the 'one'?
The Christian faith requires exactly that... Faith, that trust, the understanding and calm to know it's in Gods hands. We are created with free will, created with creativity and created with the skills to assess what to do in each situation... But that doesn't mean we don't need the guidance or wisdom God imparts, I know I would be lost without it.
So can we activily make those massive decisions or should we wait for God to reveal himself and his plans? Should Christians go for the dating help or simply wait?
When serving God is top of the list what else or who else should you need? With this perspective finding a husband isn't as important.. Yes loneliness is rubbish and our culture says the being single is a negative... But God creates the bigger picture. With that looking for a date isn't the most important thing... No matter if it's a struggle the trust in God becomes even more imporant.
I'm not sure if I made my thoughts clear or if I'm right in my ponderings... But I know even if I'd love to find my own love I should and am happy to meet another valentines day single... And will simply ask and wait on God.
X
Filming watching
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